Where
Do the Feelings Go?
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Exiters of emotionally and spiritually abusive systems process emotions differently than a growing person does. This is because feelings (e. g., anger or grief) from hurtful stimulus were not permitted to be expressed in the group. Only positive emotions were accepted. But to be "up" and smiley all the time is not normal. The painful feelings, therefore, were stored in the member's "tank." After exiting, draining the tank; i.e., writing1 and talking about one's hurtful experience is a necessary part of recovery. Natural Recovery System Our natural recovery system is set up to give us hope, encouragement, and permission to feel. Exiter's Recovery System However, after being in an abusive group, there are voices (tapes in our head) and a hyper-vigilance to "don't feel", "don't tell." We feel numbness like a "zombie." Removed from the cultic system Even though we are removed from the cultic system, we are still processing the old way of thinking (the programming) and our "tank" is still full. The Full Tank These sprays and leaks from our full tank are manifested in physical complaints, touchiness, depression, difficulty making commitments, etc. [See: Common Emotional Difficulties After a High Demand Group for more on this.] Rehabilitation In order to recover we need:
Integration As we begin to recover we:
(Adapted from Feeling Your Way Back to Life by Ron Burks, M.A., Ph.D.) Important: While it is very helpful in one's recovery to write and talk about feelings and experiences, if memories become too painful (child survivors may experience feelings of rage, intense sadness and fear, nightmares and/or flashbacks), or if you are struggling with any type of destructive behavior, it is recommended that you seek out a supportive, safe, and understanding counselor who is knowledgeable with complex post traumatic stress disorder (a.k.a. complex post traumatic stress syndrome) and abusive religious cults or cultic groups. This is especially true if you begin to have memories of being sexually abused. The helper should be willing to listen, validate and empower you; not try to control you or tell you to "get over it." How Do I Go About Writing and What Do I Write About? First
buy a large 3 ringed binder with dividers. Or simply start off with a ruled spiral notebook, or other
type of notebook. This will be your private journal. Then choose a safe place
to do your writing. (Remember that you do not have to
share your writings with anyone you feel is untrustworthy or
insensitive.)
If you are someone who likes to organize, you may like using the 3 ringed binder and dividing it up into subjects. The following are what I chose to write on after I exited and are only suggestions. You can make up your own titles and write on whatever you want. (I later purchased two more 3 ringed binders, as I found I had much to write about.) Note: While "WCG" is referred to below, it may apply to any controlling offshoot you were in.
Other subjects I later wrote on in a separate 100 page spiral notebook:
As you write about your experiences, your anger and your pain, don't forget to write about why you left and why you're glad you're out. (This will help during the times you struggle with whether or not you made the right decision to leave.) Write about what you feel might have caused you to go into the group in the first place (or made you go deeper into their teachings). Perhaps it was the result of a particularly stressful time in your life, a new move, the breakup of an important relationship, etc. What were your needs and vulnerabilities and how were they exploited by the group? What did you enjoy doing before you went into the group? Write about whether you were becoming more submissive to God in the group, or whether you were actually becoming more submissive to the government of the group. Ask yourself if you were you an introvert or an extrovert before your involvement. (Authoritarian groups usually compel their members to be extroverted, whether they want to or not. Forcing yourself to be something you aren't can cause undue stress.) If you were raised in the group from a child and feel you have nothing to connect back to, read Am I Only a "Pseudo Personality"? and Things I Like About Myself. (Don't forget that, as a child survivor, you can choose to make good and positive memories and traditions for yourself and your family today. You are in control.) Become aware of what your triggers are and write them down. Remember that when you have an accumulation of stress, it can increase your susceptibility to triggers. (Be sure and go back later and make a note as to when they are no longer triggers for you.) Write about the positives in your group. It may be hard at first to think of anything worthwhile that you gained by being in an exploitive, deceptive, abusive group, but it very well could be traits such as dependability, value of honesty, convictions, courage, teaching skills, economizing, leadership skills, juggling multiple tasks, time management, organization, survival techniques, speaking up in public, helping others in need, patience, compassion, and the ability to empathize with others. In conclusion Writing will allow you to deal with painful, intrusive thoughts in a constructive way. You will receive more insights as you continue to write (especially if you are in counseling), and as you reflect and ponder about what you've written. When we are in touch with our feelings, we are being real with ourselves, and the group can't control us anymore. By D. W. Footnote by ESN: NOTE: For more info on recovery see: Recovery From Cults (Help for Victims of Psychological and Spiritual Abuse), chapter 10: "Post-Cult Recovery: Assessment and Rehabilitation." How to Recover After Exiting a Deceptive, Abusive Group Surviving (if you have experienced severe abuse) Healing Through Grief (Healing from grief, trauma and loss; includes personal stories by survivors of Armstrongism) Booklist (survivors that read and learn about what they were involved in and how it has affected them, recover much faster) Back to Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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