| Different people leave in different ways. Some WALK
out. Some get KICKED out. Some just BURN OUT. Others GROW
out. Still others FIND OUT or get COUNSELED out. This article
includes: Stages in Leaving
the Cultic System.
Also read:
Emotional Difficulties After Exiting a High Demand
Group. The method of exiting does not determine the trauma1
experienced after leaving.
Note: *The word "cult" is used in the context of
a deceitful, abusive, mind-manipulating organization. See:
Identifying Marks of an Exploitive, Abusive Group.
WALK OUTS
These people simply rebel from the situation and leave.
Unless they shed the mind control, walk-outs may lead destructive or
fear-filled lives.
Some adopt the attitude that since they couldn't measure up to the
system's requirements, there isn't any hope for them anyway, so they
might as well "live it up" while they can.
Some develop patterns of living that they wouldn't have chosen
otherwise.
KICKED OUTS
These people are excommunicated [disfellowshipped] or shunned for a
variety of reasons, usually related to the fact that they failed to
fully integrate the four aspects of mind control--information
control, thought control, emotion control and behavior control.
People who are kicked out of cults are commonly filled with grief
and guilt. They are still very loyal to the group's beliefs and its
people, even though rejected by the group.
BURN OUTS
These people have been so abused spiritually, mentally, physically,
emotionally and financially, that they are barely able to function on a
normal basis.
Some "burn-outs" exhibit the
Post-Traumatic Stress syndrome that is commonly experienced by war
survivors. They are usually very confused, perhaps even physically ill,
afraid and unable to trust anyone, most of all themselves.
FIND OUTS
These are people who are given, or stumble onto information which
explains the situation enabling them to leave the mind control without
fear and guilt.
These people usually take several years to work through the
adjustment to normal living and attitudes. Education, scriptural as well
as secular, cultivating new friends and establishing a new environment
and restoring one's God-given personality are most helpful.
The more one learns, the greater the healing.
COUNSELED OUTS
These people are rare.
Few studies have been done on the needs of people who were born and
raised within a mind control group.
Most counselors are ill-equipped to handle the complexities of exit
counseling because there are so many factors involved in mind control,
and each person's experience is different, even within the same group.
STAGES IN LEAVING THE
CULTIC SYSTEM
THE WITHDRAWAL PROCESS
The control in the cultic system is so strong that people report they
have been affected for years afterwards. It is for this reason that the
WITHDRAWAL STAGES should be well understood by everyone.
STAGE ONE:
This often begins almost immediately after acknowledging something is
wrong. The mind and will may be completely taken over by the logic
presented by the members and leaders. However, the gut feeling, emotions,
or conscience often indicates that something is not quite right.
STAGE TWO:
This doubt causes a feeling of guilt which the person attempts to stuff
and deny. The guilt drives him or her to deeper resolve to "do right" or
submit and to ignore any information that conflicts with the leaders’
message. However, the conscience continues to exert itself causing the
person to question things. Most people don’t know what to question. They
may question the "standards", the existence of God or the truth of the
scripture. They rarely have enough wisdom to question the history or the
doctrine of the group.
STAGE THREE:
The person will give lip service to the group but in reality often
behaves or does things that are against the rules. This causes even more
guilt and more resolve to "get right."
STAGE FOUR:
If the person is observant and alert, he or she may notice some
discrepancies between what the scripture says and what is done within the
group. Or he may hear of a scandal or problem that bothers him. This may
worry some people but many others just think, "Oh, well, the people aren’t
perfect but the WAY [or "God’s government"] is perfect." Or "Oh well, what
can I do?" or "Oh well, God will take care of it."
STAGE FIVE:
The person may hear of the history of the church and begin to wonder
why he was lied to regarding the founder of the group. An inquisitive
person may begin an investigation. At this point, the person usually
becomes very quiet and fearful about letting others know of his questions.
By this time he has found out that it is socially unacceptable to voice
any doubts.
STAGE SIX:
The denial stage in which the person decides to ignore all the warning
signs. They are actually afraid of or angry at anyone who has information
that exposes the deceit of the organization. Some people NEVER get past
this stage. They are hostile towards any information that spotlights the
deceit and errors of the group.
STAGE SEVEN:
The "Don’t know what to think" stage. MANY people get stuck here. They
will try to figure things out on their own. They are suspicious of
everyone. They don’t trust the friends or ministers and they don’t trust
themselves. They don’t trust traditional Christianity. They don’t trust
the information that exposes the group. They may not trust the scripture
and might try to find reasons to believe the Bible wasn’t translated
correctly. This stage is very critical. The stress of it can cause
illness, anxiety, nightmares, emotional problems, marital problems,
divorce, and destructive accidents because of so much mental
preoccupation, suicide [suicidal feelings], hostility and anger. Some
report a problem with nausea, clenched teeth or other outward signs of
tension. This stage is extremely painful and frightening. Usually the
longer a person or his family has been in the group, the more painful it
is.
At this stage, some people try to reason with the leaders. They will
either arrange for visits or write long agonizing letters. Some hope that
they can change the system or get some members to agree with them. They
are AMAZED at the total inability of the members to hear what they are
saying. However, some members will agree with their arguments, pat them on
the head and try to smooth their ruffled feelings.
STAGE EIGHT:
The state in which a decision is made to leave the group. The person
may go in several directions. They may become angry at God, or become an
agnostic or atheist. They may try to start their own spiritual quest or
church in the home. They may reach out to secular psychology for relief.
Or, they may hook into another cult. They may decide to just let the
spiritual part of their life hang in mid-air for awhile. Some people get
stuck in a yo-yo syndrome: they will leave the group, go back to the
group, leave, go back, leave and go back. They rarely ever figure out what
the group believes or even what they believe. Or, they may become born
again as a result of doing some intense praying, in-depth study and
reaching out to normal Christian information. This stage is extremely
crucial. If a married couple doesn’t agree or reach this stage together it
can destroy their marriage.
Almost total rejection from the group and family inside occurs if the
person announces his new allegiance to Christ instead of to the cultic
system.
STAGE NINE:
The state in which the old personality disintegrates and a new one is
formed. The person will get rid of old clothes, old hairstyles, old
possessions. Some people experience a lot of anxiety in adjusting to a new
identity because their whole self concept was so closely tied to the group
attitude towards themselves. New interests, charitable activities and
hobbies are found. Bible study and Bible classes become the new excitement
if one has been born again. The person rejoices at every new day and has a
sense of peace. The world looks beautiful, people seem wonderful, nature
seems to glow with the power and beauty of God. If a satisfactory church
is found the person finds a great deal of happiness.
STAGE TEN:
The person is in constant amazement at the difference between the old
life and the new life. The person is able to pity those who are still in
the old group and will eventually be able to laugh about his old
experiences. The person will often want to reach out to others whom he has
known while in the group. He feels a strong need to talk about the
experience in order to understand the strong emotions and confusion he
felt while inside the group. Talking to other ex-members seems to be the
best therapy for those going through this process. Writing down what one
has heard, experienced and believes [is also very helpful].
~ Originally posted by the late Jan
Groenveld of Cult Awareness
Center in Australia. [Words in brackets
inserted by ESN.]
Footnote by ESN:
1 Trauma after exiting an
abusive group is
in the mind and has often been referred to as a "rape of the mind."
Child survivors experience changes in
self-esteem with identity issues being a major concern.
How Did I
End Up in a Spiritually Abusive Group?
(Our noble seeking brought hidden abuses)
Common
Emotional Difficulties
After a High Demand Group
Recovery
From Spiritual Abuse - How You Can Help
[good offsite
article]
Articles on
Understanding Mind Control and Exploitive Groups
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