Most of you that grew up in Worldwide Church of God (or one of the more abusive offshoot such as Philadelphia Church of God) have been made to feel ashamed and different from the rest of humanity. Feeling that you didn't belong to the human race, because you were doing and thinking so many things in the extreme from what others on the outside were doing. Feeling the hurt and stares of others when you couldn't participate in holidays or plays and wanting to crawl in a hole. All the time just yearning to have fun without guilt and to be loved for yourself.

"I Was Ashamed of My Family"

How your family behaved had a deep affect on you and made you feel that you weren't as good as others. If you lived with one or both parents who were alcoholics,  neglectful, or constantly raging at you, it reflected on who you felt you were and created much shame. You probably were ashamed to bring friends over to your house for fear of what they would find. The truth is that you were a person in your own right, able to eventually leave and start reaching beyond the limitations of your family. Those that really love you will never look down on you or judge you. You have been a target of other people's calloused, ignorant and evil actions, but you were always worthwhile because you were made in the image of God and had gifts and talents that others didn't have. How very, very painful that many couldn't see that in you. You were like a diamond in the rough.

"I Was Ashamed for Existing"

Some of you were fortunate enough to find at least one person or one couple that truly loved you in the group and opened their hearts to you, but when you left the group (or were thrown out) and they didn't contact you, you felt that you didn't matter. You couldn't understand why they acted like you never existed. I believe that the truth is that it was because of the mind control that they couldn't contact you. There was an ingrained fear inside of them that if they did, they would be put out of the "true church" themselves. Yes, this is wrong, to put a "church" above loving others, but the church was somehow mixed up in their minds with it being God's organization on earth. Perhaps someone even told them wrong information about you--that you had been rebellious with the minister. But they may have prayed for you and missed you, although they could have reasoned that if you were now "of the world" that you wouldn't want to hear from them. If those people weren't under mind control, I'm sure they would have contacted you. This doesn't mean that they didn't love you; but fear-phobia (which the leadership used), hinders love from acting freely.

If you had a friend that was thrown out, you can remember the wrenching pain and loneliness of losing someone very close to you. Members were aware how you would have been discouraged from talking to them and so you may have never heard from them. Perhaps they also felt that you not only couldn't, but didn't, want to associate with them anymore. Cults can destroy relationships and WCG (and some of its destructive splinter groups such as Philadelphia Church of God) destroyed thousands of them without so much as a blink of the eye. People have always been expendable in this horrid organization.

"I Was Ashamed of How I Looked"

Restricting teens from being like their peers in normal, healthy ways devalues them and places false guilt within them. Nevertheless, it was never important to the group what you wanted or needed. The ministers wanted you to be totally different from the world, serving only them. There is nothing wrong in wearing up-to-date clothes, makeup or stylish hairdos, but in the group how teens looked and acted was definitely a measure of whether they were "with the program," which  meant whether you were following God's (HWA's) ways." By contrast, Jesus says that what counts is what is in our hearts. He says: "The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (I Samuel 16:7).

HWA continually abused women emotionally and ranted about makeup for years. His classic book, Truth About Make-up, said that makeup was "worldliness" "vanity" and "sin" and to wear it was "death for all eternity." This was nothing but a bold-faced lie. Later he even wrote an article about makeup in The Worldwide News1 entitled, "Are You a Whore?" and correlated makeup with prostitution. HWA gravitated back and forth over the years in first saying it was wrong to wear make-up and then saying it was okay to wear it. The first time he said it was okay was because he was about to marry Ramona Martin, a non-WCG member who didn't want to give up wearing it. When he later divorced her, it was "now a sin to wear it and all makeup was to be removed immediately from ladies' faces. 

"I Feel Ashamed of Being Me"

It was extremely rigid growing up in Armstrong's counterfeit church. You couldn't openly be yourself with all your desires and talents and gifts and needs and wishes. Just to be the child you were and to be loved and valued for being you, a real person. To be accepted for how you looked, how you dressed, how you talked, how you played, and how you did things. It is true that we can't go backwards and fix it, but it is possible to come to the place where you can leave it behind and release its grip on you. Rage about it, write about it, acknowledge your loss and grieve about it. Then know that what was done to you can't stop you from re-building your life now. As you start making your own decisions, living the way you know is best for you, understanding that you are worthwhile and have something unique to offer others, then you will lose that feeling of being different and ashamed. Each human has talents and gifts that are unique. Each have their own interests and their own personality that they were born with. And no one any longer has the power to ruin or curtail your future that you have in front of you. The best revenge against Herbert Armstrong is to recover and become happy and productive. 

By D. W.
Exit & Support Network™
April 5, 2002

Note: Child survivors should not hesitate to seek competent help from a professional counselor or therapist that understands mind control or abusive groups and trauma, if they are having difficulty in overcoming the pain of their past. Make sure the counselor does not try to control you, but will instead empower you and listen to you. Get all  your questions answered ahead of time. Also, a medical checkup may be in order to pinpoint any physical problems. 

Reading some of the books on our Booklist will aid you in your recovery.

Footnote:

1 In February 2005, The Worldwide News in the United States was changed to WCG Today. In May 2006 it was changed to Together.

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