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HWA Lied About the Tribulation & The World Tomorrow

January 11, 2002
I always thought Mr.. Armstrong was going to stop and pick us all up in his airplane. We had to sell everything to be able to buy a ticket on the airplane. I tried to save my money from my paper route so I could go too, but it always got stolen from me. So I wouldn't have money for a plane ticket. I thought they were golden tickets like the ones in "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." You had to have a real golden ticket. I tried to figure out how you could jump over the cracks in the ground when the earthquakes came so that you could try to live through the tribulation. I thought if we could jump over the cracks that had lava in them and escape to the woods that we could live in a hut or something and God wouldn't see us and would forget about us. Besides, my mom said that when they turned into gods too that they would be busy and running the earth and they would get their own world to rule and people would only be separate and not have mothers and fathers anymore. If you were still a kid you had to go to an orphanage for children who didn't turn in to gods yet because they didn't grow up old enough to be baptized. You still had to be alone and just only in an orphanage.

Building Trusting and Loving Relationships

January 20, 2002
I'm understanding that it's okay to need things. I've always felt it was okay to need things that I provided for myself or that I had earned. I'm understanding that humans need things that they can't provide for themselves and they can't earn. Some things are your right to have only because you exist, such as respect, etc. Some things you can't earn, only accept, like love and care, or concern. It's a learning process, I guess. I never thought I was entitled to those things because I always pictured those things in relationships that others had, not me. Building trusting and loving relationships is a process. Something to nurture along and allow to grow, but that brings goodness into your life. 

I think back to times when I hadn't fully trusted yet, but I took a leap of faith in allowing a friend to see a vulnerability. I have the ability to evaluate a relationship with someone and decide on my own if they're safe. Also, something that always feels good to me is that when my friend and I have had a misunderstanding a few times, that it was safe to air out our feelings and to apologize. There is such safety to that for me, that disagreements won't bring condemnation of me as a person and that I would feel accepted if I needed to come to them and ask for forgiveness. That is the concept I'm turning over in my mind. The nature of a loving relationship, built on trust and commitment vs. the nature of an abusive tie to someone. The latter is more familiar and comfortable to me, but not what I desire. It's a process of letting go of relationships with most of my family. It's hard because that old tribal loyalty (trauma bond) is there. 

Nature Sanctuaries That I Remember

January 21, 2002
I want to keep working on my concept of God. I guess I just feel wary of Him. I'm not working from that old concept I had of Him, the WCG way, but I'm not fully operating from a new concept of Him either. I liked the way someone told me that they looked for small ways He's sent comfort, such as a bird seen from their window, or something like that. It got me to thinking. There were many things when I was young that gave me a place of sanctuary. I was the only one who looked to a certain lilac bush as a hiding place that was beautiful and scented. I found such joy in that day as the faraway girl, running in the open field with the brightest sunshine and breeze. I remember the sky being enormous and all encompassing. We had an area that grew wild, filled with black-eyed Susans and inside were old tangled blackberry vines that I picked berries from and ate.  We had this row of black walnut trees in the yard that were enormous. In the late summer you could sit outside and hear the locusts so loud in those trees and you could pick walnuts up from the ground. I feel like the house being so closed in violent to me, that God allowed in me an appreciation of the openness and wonder of the outdoors. As my world closed in, when we moved into the city, I looked for similar things to fill me with beauty and wonder. At our new house, I used to watch the ants crawling on the bright pink peonies. I used to play with buckeyes from a tree in the front. They were so smooth and felt good in your hands. I used to search the sweet smelling honeysuckle vine along the side of the house for bees. I love the smell of a summer storm. I love gentle rain and splashing puddles. And I love a wild thunderstorm. I wonder at the difference between us as people now and Adam and Eve before the fall. What a mysterious and wonderful garden must have existed in Eden, with God's very own hand creating it all just for his people. That is love. 

Children in WCG Weren't to Spread Their Wings

January 27, 2002
I've heard similar stories that other child survivors have gone through with the WCG. I guess it just goes to show that it wasn't really personal abuse from a particular pastor, but an actual way of life in a cult that existed in all church areas. It shows that type of abusive behavior was taught and condoned from the main headquarters because it is a systematic way of controlling people that you could find in all areas. What they did is deny us our right to freedom and growth at a certain age. Instead, wanting us to move from the authority of our parents straight to the authority of the cult, without first being allowed to experience the freedom of growing up and making our own decisions and learning our strengths. They didn't want us to spread our wings and reach out into the world for education, friendships or career choices. They wanted us to be as limited as possible. 

Did you ever notice how many second generation cult members have a hard time breaking the ties? It's because they have all of their religious upbringing in the cult. They have no other religious ties. Their childhood friends are cult members. Their families are cult members. It's all they know. It's like taking a sheltered native from their homeland and dropping them out of the sky into another world. They don't know what is expected of them, how to get along (even how to acquire their basic necessities) and they don't speak the same language as outsiders. Someone who grew up in a destructive cult has to relearn every aspect of their educational process, the fundamentals. How do you get someone who has always been under someone's authority to understand that they're free now to make their own choices? It's like releasing someone from prison who was inside for most of their lifetime. Can you imagine the culture shock and the fear and the inability to fit in to society?

WCG Was Far Off From Christianity

January 28, 2002
You know what dawned on me today? I remember now thinking that we were going to be Jesus' brothers - like on the same level as Him. I don't recall all that I heard, but that must have been part of them telling us that we were going to become Gods. I distinctly remember my mom telling me that we would rule our own worlds and things like that. I did hear once on TV that Mormons believed that. Isn't that what those sect people who died in California when the Hale Bopp Comet came by the Earth believed also? The more that I compare in my mind the things I learned in the WCG with things I hear about from other cults - wow, I can't believe that I was in the same thing. But, I didn't know it. Honestly, it was my only frame of reference as far as religion goes and I never realized I wasn't in a true church until much later. I knew we weren't normal, but I had no idea how far off from Christianity we really were.

God as Abba Father

January 28, 2002
I like the idea of experiencing God as Abba Father. That, honestly, has been the only way that I have been able to face Him. I was too afraid of the picture I had of Him, but when I started thinking of Him as a loving Father and calling Him Abba, that is when He became approachable to me. Also, it helps to understand that the Jesus that I am coming to know is actually God also. I love reading Galatians. I'm going to have to read that again this week.

Still Afraid Sometimes

January 30, 2002
I was thinking about wartime and the fact that several rogue nations, such as North Korea, Iran and Iraq, are seeking nuclear weapons and things. I got to thinking that if you believe in the Bible, you can kind of take solace in the fact that the end of the world isn't just going to happen out of the blue. It may seem out of the blue to us humans, but it is actually a carefully constructed plan by God that will take place at the appointed time. Then, I got to thinking that, since we are already saved, it isn't something that we need to be fearful of. I suppose I still fear for those in my life who I feel aren't converted. But, then I got to thinking that if God brought me to Him when I was supposed to, then He'll do the same for others. I still am afraid, though, thinking people that I know are going to hell. I can't help but picture those awful pictures I saw as a child in booklets such as 1975 in Prophecy.

(Note from ESN: Basil Wolverton (a comic artist and WCG elder) was behind the grotesque and horrifying pictures in 1975 in Prophecy and other WCG literature. Read on our site more about Wolverton.)

WCG Never Understood Heaven

January 31, 2002
Heaven should be filled with every thought of love and comfort. I want to be together with the ones I love, not strewn about through the universe planning little governments. What government would we need if we were in Christ's presence? Wouldn't He bring our soul to such joy that our very hearts would sing the words we could never mouth on our own? Wouldn't He teach us beautiful songs that we could never have written? Why would we care who's following whose rules? They don't understand heaven in the WCG even now. They're aspiring to only a more prominent picture of life as we know it right now. They don't see past the government and the rules and the "shoulds" and "should nots" to understand the freedom of all that to be found in Jesus.

WCG Leadership Was Steeped in Sin

February 5, 2002
John 8:12 is a beautiful verse ("I am the Light of the world"). I think it is so miserable to be steeped in sin like those who lead in the WCG. Can you imagine how wounded a soul becomes once it's ravaged by the sickness of living the life of the leadership? The sexual things and mental sickness and lies and deceit. It pits the soul against it's self. Longing and needing good things, yet filling it with corrupt things, causing such a decay in one's heart. It's so hard to face sin in your life, even things you didn't do on purpose, or that happened to you, or everyday things like coveting something. But, willfully hurting people in such painful ways - maybe it's easier for them to live with the consequences of sin than to face up to the magnitude of what they've done. You know, something that I've learned about myself this year, as I've learned about what really went on at headquarters and all that, is that money and power are very low on the list of desirable elements in one's life. Life and love and honor and truth are so much more desirable and fill needs in a way that no fun from sin can. 

Hardest Thing in My Life Was to Trust God:

February 24, 2002
That is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life -- try to trust in a God that caused me such terror my whole life. I know that was the false god, but it's the only view of any God that I've ever known, until I started learning about Abba. It's so hard to heal from other things that hurt when you don't know God, because you don't have anyone to pray to and ask for help and mercy. Sometimes, when I feel separate from God, I go outside and look around at His amazing and wonderful creation. This beautiful natural earth couldn't be just an accident.

Oh, how many times I have wished that I had heard those beautiful things about Him at WCG. I didn't really picture Him at all as a father, but instead, like a judge with black robes sending hurting people to the lake of fire just for the fun of it. I feel timid of Abba, but so hopeful that He is going to love me and not hurt.

HWA Taught the Opposite of the Bible

February 25, 2002
I don't think I really understood before about the Holy Spirit indwelling a person. The Holy Spirit is really Jesus, too, so you're not ever alone. That makes sense that the Bible tells us in Colossians [Col. 1:26-27] that the real mystery is revealing that Jesus will live within us and live personally with us in our lives. The more that I read in the Bible, the more that I DON'T see any of the things that HWA preached about. I wonder how he could tell the exact opposite of what the Bible says and people believed him? I remember being always confused when they looked at the Bible. I used to always read on in the chapter and I would become confused that I didn't understand what the minister was talking about because that's not what the Bible said. I wonder if Jesus was helping me then to not believe what they were teaching me? I keep thinking about all the things I was taught and they were heresies. 

WCG's Fake Love

February 25, 2002
I think it seems like a cold belief that you have to struggle in pain and heavy burdens to earn God's love. But you can't earn love. Love is given because the person has love to offer and wants to. It isn't love that the WCG God is offering to people. That false god is only a taskmaster, like Pharaoh or something. Whipping the people as they toil in slavery. There is no love there. I think that the WCG members have a loyalty to their false god because it's a trauma bond. I don't think it's really love, but more like those chains that hold me to others who have hurt me. I don't think the WCG talks about a personal God because I was told that love always is directed at an object to love. They wouldn't want people believing that God loves them personally because then they'd try to build a relationship with Him and not believe them and follow them anymore. So, they set it up that God only loves the church as the object of His love and desire, so to receive His love, you have to be a member of their church. 

No One Church is the Only Way to God

March 4, 2002
I think it is wrong to defend a certain religious group as the only way to God or God's true church. I really think that's complete B.S. It is very clear that His true church consists of a spiritual body of believers and it's so obvious that religion is a man made club. I don't think religion is wrong, as it's our way of creating a group who can come together to know one another, fellowship and learn. But, you better make real certain that you realize that "religious doctrine" is nothing more than man's own proclivity to form a club and make up the rules. Actual doctrine can be taken from the Bible. All else is just another way to make people toe the line and "belong." We all want to belong to this group or that group. It's due to our tribal nature. We all need people and we all need rules to make us feel a part of an ordered society. Certain churches say that they are the "elect" and all else are false believers and lost. I disagree strongly with that, as well as the worship of anything other than Jesus, because the Bible says that no humans will become God. I haven't seen anything that says that any person (past or present) was deified or to be worshipped or is an intercessor between us and Jesus. I have seen these false ways of life in action in my sibling's life and it's all about money and social position. That is the truth. My Bible notes for Galatians say the following: "The test of the Gospel is grace. If the message excludes grace, or mingles law with grace as the means either of justification or sanctification, or denies the fact or guilt of sin which alone gives grace it's occasion and opportunity; it is 'another' gospel, and the preacher of it is under the anathema of God." 

Bondage versus Freedom

March 7, 2002
I was praying last night and telling Jesus that the truth is so simple and asking Him how people could miss it? Especially people who are older and have studied the Bible for so many years. It makes me wonder because I would think that certain exiters would have seen the gospel for the truth after all this time. Then it occurred to me that we really can witness the deception of Satan in this world -- that intelligent and educated people can see so much of the little things, but miss the entire big picture, which is what I have been learning in Galatians. It's so frustrating to watch--as I'm sure it was for the apostle Paul also--and to see people so used to following the rules that they would choose bondage over freedom when given the choice. I got to contemplating on the freedom in Christ that we have. It's kind of a freedom of fear. A boldness one can have in the world, knowing that you have a protector and a confidante and His power is available to you to protect you. 

Cool Rest and Peace

March 7, 2002
I got to thinking of an analogy this morning of the ceremonial washing of the feet. You know, things done out of religious obligation carry such stress and even performance anxiety: do this properly according to tradition and the rules or it is meaningless. But doesn't that make it meaningless to begin with? Performing a sacrificial tradition, such as washing someone's feet and all the while worrying if it's done correctly and the person whom you're serving sitting there nervously wondering if their foot is presentable? Then I was thinking that Jesus serves us by washing our feet in the most loving and gentle manor. Imagine a tiring and hot walk through the woods and finding a lovely gurgling stream full of fresh and clear cool water. Sitting alongside and taking off your shoes and socks and resting your tired feet in the refreshing water. Isn't that the gentlest and most loving feeling that God provides for our needs? (Philippians 4:19) Cool rest and peace are there for the asking for those willing to search for the stream. Some only see the woods -- one dark and foreboding thing and will not enter. But, oh what wonders await one who ventures into the wilderness and finds unimaginable beauty within.

Coping With Holidays is a Process

April 1, 2002
Holidays tend to really drag us into a sad mind frame. I thought about how I've been learning to come to terms with holidays. I do think I feel a lot more at ease than I used to. It's kind of a process, I think. I can remember feeling incredibly guilty when I put up my first Christmas tree. I had fun decorating it, but it was hard for me to enjoy how pretty it was because I really felt guilty. I think it was harder then for me because I didn't understand what I had been in growing up in the WCG. I didn't know enough about real Christian beliefs, so I still felt somehow that it was pagan. I think I did it a little bit out of spite -- wanting to do the exact opposite of what I'd learned. 

I felt that I wanted my children to have what I never had and I really wanted them to be "normal." That was my main concern. It wasn't the beliefs for me, it was making sure that they weren't deprived of feeling normal as they grew up. I still overdo sometimes trying to make sure that they have all the trimmings to every holiday, whether we can afford it or not. I think it's becoming easier for me now. I really try to understand what exactly it is that we're trying to celebrate and understand the significance of the holiday. My children and I talked quite a bit about Jesus the evening before Easter, and before they went to sleep I read them the story in Luke about finding Jesus gone from the tomb. It felt good to do that with them and they told me that they believe in Him and they know He takes care of us. That makes me feel so good inside. I was told something recently that really struck home to me. It was that I had been called out of that cult before I had children who could have been subjected to it. Oh, that is so true and I'm so grateful for that. Perhaps, God worked that out for good that way -- not allowing my children to be raised in that. What a blessing, I can say that now. 

It's All About Love, not Rules

May 17, 2002
It's all about love. That is what Jesus came to show us. Abba's love through Jesus. People make rules because they know they can't measure up without His Spirit. They give us a measuring stick that shows us who is holier and who is trying harder, but the rules can never measure what is in one's heart. Love works in mysterious ways. It nurtures a worn out root into a blossom if you allow it. Love is what has changed in me. Receiving love has tilled the hardened soil around my heart. The Living Waters have nurtured growth and His Light has given my heart Life. I didn't need rules. I didn't need more guilt. I needed what Jesus came to show us all. I didn't need to sit in a pew among strangers for that. I needed a Christian sister to show me God's true church. His spiritual church, full of believers in love and light, not rules and guilt. The difference between His
spiritual church and the WCG is the difference between heaven and hell. One gives life and freedom and the other robs us of joy and our spirit we were born with. In this family He has created we have a spiritual bond. We have love.

Things are working in my life in amazing ways this year. I am finding the people I am supposed to know and my heart is slowly opening to the light. I'm letting warm and bright sunshine into a darkened room. It feels dry and frightening and dusty, but the light shines in regardless. The cult gets further away in my mind and more sinister as I look towards heaven. Small pleasures bring such delight to me - watching day after day as a flower buds and blooms, watching the rain wash the dust from the earth. Do you ever wonder in amazement that a little bird can sing right on key the most beautiful songs all without being taught?

God didn't give us the Bible to hurt us with and to hurt each other with. He's telling us a loving story. A bedtime story filled with twists and turns, villains and angels. It is the story of the fall of man. It's a lesson that accepting His love will lead us to redemption. It's the story of a lifetime that explains His plan for eternal life with Him. Heaven will be glorious, and I want for as many people to go there as there are leaves in the trees. I do not want to give rules and guilt to anyone and be their stumbling block. Bitterness does nothing but shrivel the heart and close the mind.

Shame

June 28, 2002
It really struck home to me how I have a shame-based personality and that's how all of my interactions with people make me react. I was thinking about how my mother really hurt me when she invalidated that she had done anything wrong all that time that I was growing up in WCG. I felt doubly ashamed. The shame I felt all these years of receiving that abuse and the re-shaming of me by her saying that she'd do it all over again the same way. I've carried a lot of shame from coming from that family and when I describe myself I think of myself as trash. That's why. Not because of anything that I can think of that I've done, but only because of where I came from. And it feels even more humiliating to be shown kindness when I feel like hiding away and not being seen.

Whenever I tell myself that it couldn't have been that bad, I think of people I know who were raised in love and true correction and I see that the difference they have as adults is that they value themselves. That is the difference between being corrected by a loving parent and being beaten for just being a child who couldn't protect themselves. I feel like I was a receptacle for all their anger and unfulfilled dreams. They took out their anger and frustration on us because they could and they had power over us.

The word "despised" is exactly how it feels. Not despised for something I've done--that would have been receiving consequences, like being grounded. Being beaten is being despised for who I am. It's a way to crush your spirit down, so that you conform. You learn to not let your spirit shine through, or your soul and vulnerabilities be seen. The person I was so long ago doesn't seem to exist anymore. I guess I know that somehow she's there, or I wouldn't have been able to reach out for your help or for mercy. I need mercy so much, but I don't know how to ask for the one thing from Jesus that I really don't feel entitled to. I can't help but to blame myself right now for many things, or to believe the names I was called. I hope that will change someday, but I don't feel good and innocent right now.

Feel Separate

June 28, 2002
I wish I didn't feel so separated from things about God. I feel separate because of the WCG, but I also feel separate from other Christians. I think Jesus does show us Himself through others. It's the only way. But you have to be able to feel being loved by others before you can understand that feeling and transfer it to a heavenly Father. 

Want to Look Forward to the Future

August 8, 2002
I was thinking last night while I prayed that what I lack in my life is joy. I hope that eventually I won't be hurt anymore by my past and I can move on and look forward to the future with joy. The thing that I picture myself doing in life is being a healer of wounded souls. Perhaps because I've been down that road myself.

My Best Gift to My Children

August 16, 2002
My children asked me to pray with them to accept Jesus this week at church camp, so I did. I do feel they were sincere in their prayer to ask for Jesus to come into their lives. I'm feeling really good about their interest in Jesus and the fact that they're not afraid of Him. That is the best gift I can give to my children, I think. I'm so grateful that they've had [certain Sunday school teachers] in their lives because they talk about Jesus with love and joy, which is something I can't give them always. I've learned right along beside them, actually.

Missed Out On Love

November 6, 2002
Someone helped me see that part of the grieving I have done has been over what wasn't there to begin with. I've always known that I've had this huge emptiness inside, but never knew what it was that I needed. I've only just begun to understand that love and care and nurturing are all that I missed out on in my life. Now that I have gained a few loving relationships, I can't "unlearn" what I've discovered. It's a forward progression and a person can't go backwards. I know so deeply now that the love a person needs is possible. I've never had healthy relationships until now and they don't become healthy with only one person concerned enough to try. I guess I'm realizing too that you can't make a person love you, only be yourself and accept the love they freely offer. There are those who can offer their love freely and then there's other people who just simply can't. I wish for them that they would learn someday, but I can't give up the rest of my life trying to teach others something they don't want to learn or refuse to learn.

UPDATES:  

People in WCG Can't See the Freedom in Jesus

July 1, 2003
Sometimes I feel so far removed from when I first came to ESN. That seems so long ago that I was confused about the WCG and thinking that it might still be "right" and that I could still be the one who's wrong. It feels so strange to look back now after all this time and remembering feeling like they [the WCG leaders] could still hurt me and feeling terrified of the ministers still. Whenever I hear about it now from my [parent still in WCG], it's like I just shake my head and wonder why some people don't want to see how much freedom there can be with Jesus. Isn't it funny how when you take away the earthly power structure and all the rules and people who are judgmental, there's just Jesus there. Just simply Him, with the gentle touch He showed to the people who needed it the most. I always think of the humans He really touched with care and compassion and it was the ones that earthly people just cast off and act like they don't even matter. They're not important enough to be bothered with.

Possible to Build a New Family

November 2, 2003
One harsh truth I've come to see is that, "Those people who abused me don't care about me." They certainly aren't there for me now emotionally, or in any other way, which means that I truly have no family now. I've been told that I can make a new family now, though, consisting of people who are close and loving and who want the best for me. I like that. It is true that I can build my own "family" of special friends. And only be in close relationships with people who are respectful and honest.

I keep trying to picture God as a good earthly father would be. Not punishing and critical. I actually am thinking that the view I have carried around about Him is of a dysfunctional father figure, like an earthly father and like HWA. But, wouldn't a loving and functional father love His child and care for His child? It's so hard for me to imagine sometimes. It's almost like fiction because I never knew that real fathers existed that way. They always seemed to be a fictional character in a fairy tale or something. So, it feels like a fictional thing that I'm placing on God, instead of something real that I can relate to. 

Hard to Re-Learn All I Know About God

November 3, 2003
I'm realizing more and more that I need God in my life and I need to build a relationship with Him. I have been so angry lately at God for not helping me with all these trials. I'm realizing now that I haven't allowed Him to help me because I haven't included Him into my life. I've asked for things and asked for Him to help me, but I haven't tried to get to know Him. I keep Him at arm's length because of fear--fear of the false God that I was taught about. I need to keep remembering that all of that was a lie and that the real Jesus was kind and merciful and desires only to show us His love. 

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do--relearn all I know about God. I just started thinking about who actually taught me about God in the first place. It was the cult (which can't be trusted) and my family (that didn't have an understanding either). I see the people in my life now who are telling me about a loving Jesus and it's all people that I trust. So, I ask myself, who are you going to believe? The Bible and your trusted friends? Or, a cult and a dysfunctional family? I guess I know, don't I?

Surrender or Control?

November 5, 2003
I don't think that God hasn't wanted to help me, but instead has wanted me to come to Him and ask for real help and learn to trust Him. I'm trying to understand how to give Him all of my burdens, which is the trust part, I guess. I don't understand fully how to do that and mean it. There's still a part of me who is afraid of Him, but also a big part of me who wants to handle things on my own, even though I make a mess of things sometimes. I guess it's because I need to feel like I'm making my own decisions because of always having someone else making them for me. 

It comes down to control, doesn't it? I want to be in control. Actually, I feel out of control though, which doesn't make much sense. It's a little bit about surrender. To surrender feels like giving up or letting go of control. Even surrendering to God. That cult tried to control me so much that it makes me feel like that inside. It makes me feel like "they" are taking my freedom from me. That's what goes through me when I think of surrendering to God. I get that clutched up feeling of having to protect my freedom at all costs. I know that the cult and God aren't one and the same, but the feeling doesn't match the knowledge of that inside my head still. This makes me so weary sometimes. This whole process of deprogramming and reprogramming uses so much energy, but must be done. It makes me angry with the cult all over again because of the time it takes to heal from it. Do you suppose I'll always be angry? I haven't gotten to acceptance yet concerning them and certainly not forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is for individual people, not organizations.

Always Felt Like a Prop in Other People's Lives

January 5, 2004
I've been thinking a lot about things lately and am coming to realize how many wonderful things have changed for me. It really feels good. I feel positive about the future right now. I really do. I'm feeling a newfound confidence that I am worthy of good things, just as I see that others are as well. Isn't it strange how a person can see how someone deserves good things but still not apply that to themselves? Like I didn't really exist or have any legitimate needs. I actually feel like a person now and part of the crowd, instead of just a shadow always watching others live the "real" life. I think part of it has to do with realizing how I've always felt like a prop in other people's lives, something for them to use as they wish for their own purposes. I was used by others to make their lives more comfortable, but I have to ask myself now--are they looking at me as a human that they can have a give and take relationship with, or are they looking at me as a means to an end to get what they need? 

I'm really feeling good about the relationships that I do have and also about the "relationships" I've allowed to taper off. The truth is that some people have never really been my friend. They have been controlling and critical since I've known them (for years). I've always tried to "be good" so that I wouldn't cause trouble ("don't make waves" - just like when I was growing up). I've always felt obligated to allow them to get by with snide comments or rudeness because I didn't want to be an outcast. I guess I'm the outcast now, except it was my choice to distance myself rather than be thrown out. But I have been determined not to sound apologetic for having to make personal decisions and set personal boundaries. That has been a really strong step for me to take.

Their intentions (whether they know it or not) were to put me into my "place" as less of a person than they are; to make me feel like a child and that I wasn't living up to expectations. The same old story with those who want to control us (as in WCG). They try to treat us like children and then they correct us or belittle us for not being "good" children who obey THEIR set of rules. It's so clear to me now when I feel someone is treating me that way. 

Untangling Myself From Controlling Relationships:

June 28, 2004
I told one of my in-laws that I have to start removing myself from the family and moving forward and I just simply cannot be worrying about them when I'm trying to accomplish so many other things of my own. The more mentally healthy me that I am becoming knows that this was a very dependent relationship and that this relative is going to do everything possible to try and maintain some control over me. I need to be autonomous. I need to be met and known on my terms and for myself - not as somebody's in-law or somebody's wife. It's very important to me that I make my own choices now and meet the world head on as ME (whoever that person is becoming).

This is a time of learning and growing into a much healthier and more sane person. I realize now how much of my feeling of powerless had to do with so many people interfering in my life and just PUSHING me. That is the main feeling I can describe of living that way all these years--pushing. They just all push and push until you have to finally push back to save yourself. They are very dysfunctional as a family and suffocating. I didn't know better way back as a very young bride, but now I know and my own children will not have to grow up always feeling that guilt that they lay on so well. It's just simply a disease that goes on in families and goes down through every generation. It's a way of looking at people as "property" or "things" instead of separate individuals.

I no longer feel guilty about untangling myself from my family's control. I don't know if I'll ever need to forgive them for not caring to help because I don't even think I'm angry at them. It's almost like I feel just a deep acknowledgment that they are separate from me and that I don't have a family to count on. It's a final feeling somehow, just acceptance, I guess, that they are only concerned with their own little world and that I'm not in their world. It took me many years to figure that out.

I know that Jesus is helping me. Otherwise, there's times I don't think I could get up. I pray throughout the day, not always very much, but even a word seems to help. I have to keep an eye out for the opportunities He's providing.

Not Bogged Down in the Past Anymore

June 29, 2004
I feel much more empowered these days, being able to stop negative talk from taking root and getting it going towards making me feel depressed. It also feels so good to have taken back power in certain areas. It makes me feel it's possible to gain control over other areas of my life. If I can do this very hard thing, then I can do that hard thing, etc. . . and so on . . I like how that feels. Possibilities and hopes for the future feel so good. I don't feel like I live bogged down in the past anymore. I live right here in the present and am working on making the present more livable and providing for the future. Do one thing each day to make the present more bearable and figure out what you can do now to make larger future goals more attainable. Small steps that really add up. The question I answer for myself is, "What is a life worth living?" That would be according to my values and hopes and vision for a good life that is positive.

Don't Have to Let People Walk All Over Me:

September 19, 2004
I handled a certain situation in a very good way recently. I felt very grown up and sure of myself and came away with a very solid feeling of being able to take care of a situation in the present, so that I don't have to feel regret later. I really felt good about my decision with me speaking clearly my needs. It was actually a huge step forward for me in the way that I felt able to be my own advocate. Mostly, it was feeling like I made a powerful choice to voice my opinion and deal with the situation "now" in the present, instead of not doing anything and always regretting that I had spoken up. It's a realization that my power resides in the present because you can't ever change the past, but your decisions now affect your future.

It is amazing to know that I can affect my future and I can ask for what I need from people when I don't feel I've been treated fairly. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I still feel it. It's just understanding that I don't have to let people walk all over me and I don't have to give them my power of choice. I think more than anything else, I fear going back to the way I used to be more than I fear the future now. Going back to way I was would be giving up all hope for joy and happiness. It's hard for me to even believe how I used to be terrified of showing my feelings even and just swallowing all the neglect and abuse people heaped on me. That's just not me anymore and I could never go back to being that person who accepted others' abuse.

NOTE 2008: ESN continues to hear from this child survivor on a regular basis and she is doing quite well today and is moving forward with her life.

We encourage all survivors to write about their feelings, but if memories and experiences prove to be too painful (or you are struggling with any kind of destructive behavior), we recommend that you seek out a professional counselor trained in complex post traumatic stress disorder (a. k. a. complex post traumatic stress syndrome) and abusive cults. Make sure the therapist you choose is understanding and supportive and will not try to control you, or tell you to "get over it," but will believe your story and empower you. Get all of your questions answered ahead of time. This can truly make a difference in our lives, as it has done in this child survivor's life!
 

Back to a Child Survivor's Journal - Page One

How to Recover After Exiting a Deceptive, Abusive Group (this article has a section under "Emotional & Spiritual Healing" entitled, "If you were raised in the group")

It's Hard to Get Close to God After Being in Philadelphia Church of God (also helpful for child survivors of WCG)

Back to Children Raised in WCG, PCG, or Offshoots

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