A Letter to All Child Survivors
Growing up in a controlling, abusive religious group has had a devastating affect on you and to break away emotionally is the hardest thing you’ve ever attempted. The tragedy is that as children were exploited beyond measure and suffered through no fault of your own. You’ve endured humiliations, being judged, left out and abused in every way possible. How tragic it is when parents put an abusive leader and his teachings above their own innocent children. How evil it is when little children are sacrificed in the name of a false god, their cries and agony going unheard. Many of you are still suffering in spite of leaving or being thrown out years ago.
Growing Up in the Group:
Most of you grew up trying to please your parents, but in spite of all your efforts you felt you could never do it right and were called the "black sheep of the family," "the bad apple," "rebellious" or "selfish." Many of you cannot even remember receiving any love, but you never lacked for punishment. You may have even thought about ending your life or running away. You were isolated from healthy connections with the outside world and kept from experiencing a fuller and richer life. Multitudes of you endured the nightmare of the group destroying all vestiges of a happy family for you because one of your parents was inside and the other wasn’t. You were anxious and distraught as you witnessed the one parent that didn’t attend services being called "evil," "of the world," "lost," or "demon-possessed." Others of you finally suffered through a divorce because the doctrines of Herbert Armstrong split the family up. You have known much anguish and had your hearts broken because you will never have the family or childhood that you yearned for.
These things discouraged, angered and wounded you, finally breaking your spirit. Many of you still have flashbacks of memories in the group and feel much guilt and fear because of the condemning words that were continually ingrained into your minds from a tender age. Countless numbers of you felt that you would never have a chance to grow up and have a normal life because you were destined to either go through the Great Tribulation, or be left behind to perish, perhaps even in the lake of fire. Some of you just gave up and stopped believing in God, a God that demanded too much and who only brought terror to your souls. This has carried over into your relationship with the true God today and many of you say you can't feel, let alone understand, His unconditional love.
Understanding What the Group Was and Was Not:
The group was never "God’s true church." A true church is not a particular church, but a spiritual organism composed of people from all nations that have placed their faith in Jesus as their Savior. What you were in, on the other hand, was an extremely unhealthy and destructive group known through the decades (at least since the 1970's) as a Bible-based "cult" that used coercive persuasion and sophisticated techniques to recruit and retain members. All mind-manipulating groups teach their members almost identical ideas which they call "truths": "We are the true church"; "The end of the age/Kingdom is coming soon"; "God is working through the Apostle, Elijah, that Prophet, etc"; "We are God’s elite," "Only we have the truth"; "If you leave this church, there is no hope for you," etc. These false, damaging lies played a big part--and still do--in deceiving and controlling all who follow Herbert Armstrong’s teachings today. Even though you may never have been completely under the mind control of the group, you were undoubtedly strongly affected by it if you ever went to S.E.P. (Summer Education Program), Philadelphia Youth Camp, etc., or to Ambassador College or Imperial College (the latter now known as Armstrong College).
If you are still questioning whether HWA, or GF, could have been right, take time to analyze the leader's character and the fruits of his life and then ask yourself how God could have used such a hypocritical, controlling person? Research shows that HWA (the founder) preached an eclectic gospel, taking what he wanted from the Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh-day Adventists, Church of God 7th Day, Mormons and others and then pieced it all together with fear, shame, guilt and false prophecies in order to gain money and power through exploitation of others. His religious roots were not what most thought. On top of this, HWA distorted and slanted historical church documents. Educating yourself on how the leaders used coercive persuasion and thought reform on the naïve will help you break free of any ambivalent feelings you may still have toward the WCG, PCG, etc., or your thoughts to perhaps go back to the "new" WCG, PCG, or another offshoot with similar Armstrong teachings and methods of control and fear.
Talking to Someone About Your Pain:
Many times it is very hard to be able to open up about your experiences since you may have kept your emotions deeply buried for years. Or you may be having so much pain that you doubt if anyone could understand, or even believe you. If you find that you are having a very difficult time coping with day-to-day life, or unable to move beyond thinking about your experience, don’t hesitate to talk to a safe person that you can confide in. It is painful to remain alone and isolated. Connecting with others that are willing to listen and who care about you can be a vital source of strength and encouragement and offer the validation that you are indeed not crazy. You may even want to get in touch with other child survivors who have experienced similar abuses. The true Jesus is able to reveal His love for you through certain others who will show you that you are lovable. And unlike in the group, you are free to speak out and expose the abuse and shame of your past.
Whether it is a friend or a counselor that you choose to open up to, make very sure that the person is someone that will believe your story and listen to you compassionately. If you decide on counseling, I encourage you to find a counselor that has a knowledge of abuse and trauma; someone that is warm, accepting, considerate, non-judgmental and who will validate your experiences. Don’t stay with a counselor that tells you to "forget your past and move on" or insists that your problems are solely from "growing up in a dysfunctional family." Your counselor needs to be very patient and non-controlling with you. When you feel you have no hope for yourself, this kind of counselor will continue to have hope for you and not fail to remind you that you have worth. These kinds of counselors are rare, but they can be a very vital component in our healing.
If you are struggling with any kind of destructive behavior; i. e., suicidal behavior or self-injury, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been found to be helpful. This kind of therapy helps survivors to use tools to control moods that can go out of control very rapidly. As one child survivor (who underwent DBT) told us: "When you feel powerless, you feel hopeless. Once you realize that you have the power to change things in your life, you will not feel you have to wait for people to be good to you. You have the power to choose a better option."
Writing Your Emotions and Memories:
It helps considerably to write about your feelings--your anger, your sadness, your memories, your loss, your grief, whatever is on your mind. When thoughts stay in our head, they have a tendency to go around and around and it is hard to make sense of them. Writing in a personal notebook will help you sort them out. Some of you may feel that you would rather express your thoughts or memories in poetry or drawing, and that is also good. Designating a specific place, and having certain time limits, enables you to deal with the memories in a controlled fashion. If you have suffered some very abusive experiences during your childhood and find yourself becoming overwhelmed with traumatic memories, dissociation, or any intense feelings such as panic or anxiety, don’t hesitate to seek outside help from a qualified professional. And be sure to make yourself safe before you start writing. [See Surviving for help on this, especially if you have suffered extreme abuse and are having a difficult time recovering.]
Anger and Struggles With Forgiveness:
It is normal to feel anger toward your parents for raising you in this abusive group. Many of you believe it will never be safe, or even possible, to have a good relationship with them, especially if they are still in the WCG or an Armstrong offshoot, such as Philadelphia Church of God, Restored Church of God, Living Church of God, or others, and if they have refused to acknowledge what was done to you and sincerely apologized. Realizing that you were abused in many ways that were never your fault is necessary before you can even think about forgiveness toward your parents or others. You may need to first write private letters to your parents, the ministers who abused you, or others in order to express your pain, outrage and grief--but it's best not to mail them, especially if you know that doing so will cause further guilt to be heaped upon you. Forgiveness is hard and it doesn’t come overnight. To forgive does not mean condoning, justifying, excusing or denying what was done to you, yet it is an important step in your recovery. Ask God to bring you up to the place where you will be able to turn those who have injured you over to Him, knowing He will take care of the matter. Sometimes He grants the ability to forgive quickly; but most of the time it takes much longer and is not particularly a certain moment in time when it happens. Forgiving does not mean that you will never remember the pain, and it does not mean that you have lapsed back into unforgiveness again if you do so. Turn the situation over to God’s ultimate justice. In time He will help you to come to terms with it.
Replacing Lies With the Truth:
To believe in the "WCG god," or "PCG god," etc. was to live in fear and dread. It was to experience nightmares and despondency. You were taught that this God was somebody out to get you and that if you didn’t measure up you would be severely punished or lose out forever. Many of you agonized over whether the end of the age would come before you were grown and leave you behind while your parents went to Petra. Child survivors have tremendous struggles with God and His unconditional love. It many times takes even adult exiters a long time to feel that there was a true God that loved them. It is important to realize that the WCG and PCG (and its abusive splinter groups) have always been considered a deceptive, abusive, controlling group that ruined people's lives with their system of lies, trickery, shame, fear and guilt. The concept of "God" that Herbert Armstrong (and now Gerald Flurry) fostered on people was nothing but a twisted and ugly lie. Everyone in the group unknowingly put this "God" together in their minds with the leader and his "church" and feared to question. Harsh and powerful messages from the leader telling how he received these "truths" and "revelations" from God were repeated over and over again. Repetition is used in all mind manipulating groups, whose goal is to control and exploit. Such leaders turn out to be a very cruel and unmerciful "god" themselves. As a result, you grew up believing that God was like the hateful and punishing, wrathful "God" taught in the WCG, or PCG, but the truth is that the true God is completely different and is kind, loving, merciful, forgiving and long-suffering with his children.
These many lies were embedded into your mind layer by layer, until today you feel the crushing effect of them in the form of guilt, shame, inadequacy and fear. Your abusers told you that if you didn't do thus and thus, something very bad would happen to you, especially in the near future, because they said the end was "coming soon." This was a fear tactic to keep others from leaving. Some of these lies were, "God won’t love me unless I’m obedient to those in authority"; "I must please others in order for them to love me"; I will die if I don’t measure up"; "God is keeping track of all the bad things I do"; "I am worthless"; "I will never amount to anything"; "Im a failure"; "God is going to punish me"; "Why should I try anymore?" "I have no future."
The truth is that the true Jesus and His gospel does not place false guilt, shame or fear on those who have placed their simple faith in Him. He forgives us and gives us eternal life, not because of anything we have done, but because He gave Himself for us on Calvary. It is Satan who is the father of all these lies. Try to recognize the lies and triggers (you may want someone to help you with this). Then renounce them every time they come up and replace them with the truth. Here are a few: "God accepts me based on the sacrifice of His Son, not on any works that I might do"; "I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ"; "I am accepted in the beloved"; "Jesus will never forsake me"; "All my sins are forgiven"; "I am God’s child and He loves me"; "My life has a purpose"; "I am a worthwhile, valuable and unique person"; "I am eternally safe." There are comforting quotes about the true God (showing how God really sees His children), in contrast to the false "god" of the group.
Understanding the True God and Jesus:
The "Jesus Christ" of the group was nothing more than a cruel invention preached by evil leaders for the purpose of controlling and frightening those inside, making them afraid to leave. As a result, child survivor's spiritual foundation has been shattered and many of you probably feel that you cannot even attempt to rebuild it at this point. While you may wish that the true God were in your life, it may be almost impossible for you to grasp His love. Many of you were unloved and horribly abused by your own parents and you find it inconceivable to think that there is a Heavenly Father that loves and values you for yourself. The true Jesus understands your pain and anger and will not demand that you get over it quickly. He knows that it takes time to work through such mistreatment.
In the group you were never taught that you could have personal fellowship with the God of the universe. He was always Someone way off up high that could only be reached through the leadership. But this was a lie. We can call God Abba Father. [Gal. 4:6] Abba is a very intimate word for God and indicates trust as opposed to the formalism of legalism. It is the diminutive form used by small children in addressing their father. The love that He has for His children is absolute and His desire is that we abide in loving fellowship with Him forever. This all comes through faith, not any works, and there is nothing that can ever change or take away that deep love that He has for you. You don’t need to follow some ritual to pray to Him, or feel ashamed that He will be too angry to hear you. You can tell Him exactly how you feel from your heart and He will listen and understand. If all you can say is a few words, He still hears. You may say that you can't feel Him, but He is very near and cares for you. Nothing can compare with the true Jesus and His love and grace. He is the Friend that stays closer than a brother; the kind Shepherd that watches over His lambs. The more we know about Him, the more amazed we are at His love. When we come to understand how He really is (not the way Herbert Armstrong, Gerald Flurry, etc., taught him, we see the true God revealed in the Lamb of God.
Understanding Grace:
The group never understood true grace. Instead the leaders added works to grace, which is impossible. Growing up in this kind of false and heretical belief system only kept you striving needlessly to measure up, or discouraged you from even trying. Grace means unmerited favor from God. None of this depends on your own works.
If you decide you want to understand more about grace, you could ask a trusted Christian friend or pastor to help you with verses pertaining to grace. If there is no one available, then try using a concordance; i. e., Strong's Exhaustive Concordance or Cruden's Complete Concordance, to look up "grace" in the N.T. and read them in context. You may also find a study Bible that you like and which is helpful.
The leader twisted the Word of God so much that you were unable to comprehend the true grace of God and how, in Jesus, He loves you unconditionally and accepts you wholeheartedly. This kind of true fellowship with Him is based on love, not fear and entails understanding your position in Jesus (accepted and secure forever) and how your Heavenly Father does not see you in the condemning, punishing way that the group taught. Once you begin to understand the true meaning of grace, you won't feel like you have to do something to earn God’s love and acceptance, and you won’t feel that you are to blame or that you have failed.
Understanding the Word of God:
Asking questions concerning what you were taught, where HWA’s teachings came from and what the Word of God really says about important subjects is essential in order for you to begin to undo HWA’s fear programming about God, Jesus, Satan, grace, forgiveness and eternal life. Sadly, it is common for most child survivors to find it very difficult, if not impossible, to even open a Bible, without hearing Armstrong's, Gerald Flurry's, or another authoritative leader's voice shouting out what he says the Bible teaches. If you feel that you do have a desire to learn and understand how these false leaders twisted the Word of God, but you know you have too many triggers to read it at present, you might be able to read a Bible commentary such as The Bible Knowledge Commentary, a Bible dictionary like Ungers, or J. Vernon McGee's five Volumes (or individual booklets) instead. There are some articles on understanding the dispensation of grace compared to the works of the Law on our section entitled, Questioning Herbert W. Armstrong and on our links under Spiritual Healing. Keep in mind that reading the Bible does not mean that you have to do "Bible study," which can be a distressing subject for many survivors.
There are also some reliable books to help you see how Armstrong’s doctrines were not according to Scripture, but heretical, eclectic beliefs. Two that proved helpful to me were, Armstrongism: The Worldwide Church of God Examined in the Searching Light of Scripture by Dr. Robert L. Sumner and Ambassadors of Armstrongism by Paul Benware. (see our booklist) These books examine the major doctrines that HWA taught, and which Gerald Flurry and leader of other splinter groups continue to teach. You can then go on to refute Armstrongism through the teachings of true Biblical Christianity.
It can be a great aid to find a trustworthy and time-honored Bible teacher that will help you not to be afraid of the Bible. The late J. Vernon McGee of Thru the Bible Radio Network is someone that helped me to see that the Bible wasn’t fearful, or hard to understand, and that not all pastors are unapproachable. He takes a down-to-earth approach and goes through the entire Word of God (going back and forth from the O.T. to the N.T. in five years), making it easy to understand and applies it to our daily life. But the most important thing is that he focuses our eyes upon the true Jesus and His grace, not on law and performance, or the fear of another man who puts himself between us and God. Aaron Budjen of Living God Ministries also has some very good material explaining law and grace that can be downloaded. He is listed on our links.
It takes much effort and time to replace Herbert Armstrong's terrifying teachings (that many authoritarian offshoots are proclaiming) with the freeing, peaceful truth about Jesus and His grace. But eventually you will be able to read the Bible and see a different picture, a picture of the unconditional love of God in Jesus for you as His special child.
Renouncing your Past Group Involvement:
Although this may be something that is easily overlooked, renouncing your involvement with the group is like drawing a line in the sand between your past and your future. It puts a separation in your mind that your past in the group is over, even though you still have to heal. It's being able to say you understand that this group you were raised in wasn't of God and was destructive. You may feel that you want someone to pray with you, or you may decide to pray by yourself. All you need to do is pray outloud and renounce your past involvement with the group and the leader's teachings. Additionally, ask in the name of Jesus, that He would break all harmful effects off from you that have come down through your family as a result of WCG, PCG, or any harmful cult or occult involvement. (See: Prayers for Freedom From Spiritual Strongholds) Although this type of prayer should not be construed as a ritual that will bring quick healing, many have found this to be very effective in becoming free of emotional ties with the group and in breaking spiritual and occult strongholds. Reading some of the Scriptures outloud is also good, especially when you have fears or anxieties. Many of the Psalms were actual prayers and they can be read when you are having difficulty praying.
Set Free From Your Past:
Most of you have suffered deeply as a result of growing up in the Worldwide Church of God, Philadelphia Church of God, or other totalistic offshoot. You have a lifetime of losses to grieve and it will take much time to be able to integrate your experiences into the whole of your life. The healing journey is far from easy and fraught with ups and downs, but my prayer is that you will come to see your intrinsic worth and value as a child of God and that you will be realize the depth of the love of the true Jesus for you and how He will never leave you, nor cast you off. To be fully loved by Him is to be fully known, with no fear of rejection. May this true God of love bring light to your darkness, comfort for all your sorrows, and peace from the shadow of your past.
By D. M. Williams (former WCG member)
Exit & Support Network™
March 2001
Last updated February 26, 2011
NOTE: To read how psychologically and physically destructive cults are to the children raised in them, read Captive Hearts; Captive Minds, chapter 22: "Children Raised in Cults"; Recovery From Cults, chapter 17: "Children and Cults"; Cults in Our Midst: The Continuing Fight Against Their Hidden Menace, Part 3: "Rescuing the Children" and Take Back Your Life: Recovering From Cults and Abusive Relationships, Part 3: "Families and Children in Cults."