Does God love me? I never sang
that song when I was a little girl--you know, the one called "Jesus
Loves Me." I wasn't sure, in fact, whether the God that I knew
actually loved me. To me, God was someone and something to fear. God was
a force who would only accept me one way, in one form, by way of the
mold that my father had created. God meant sacrifice and anguish and
loss and confusion. God was a man, a powerful man that I would spend the
rest of my life trying to please. But I would never please him, I would
inevitably fail. In fact, I would fail so terribly that I would be left
to wallow in a pool of guilt for all eternity. In order to pursue the
things in life that I so desired, I would burn in a lake of fire. I
would be punished more so than others, because I had been given special
knowledge about God's "ways." I would be more sinful than the
others in the "world" who just were not aware. God didn't love
me, but instead, looked down on me in shame. God hated me when I ate
pepperoni pizza. God hated me when I played a Christmas song with my
violin. God hated me when I did not love the Sabbath. God would never
listen to my prayers, because I was cursed.
Spiritual abuse is an invisible evil that breeds anger, resentment,
guilt, shame, and confusion1 in its victims. Like all forms of abuse,
spiritual abuse also is a misuse of power over another, only God is the
weapon. When a child is spiritually abused, their opportunity to view
God in a loving manner is stolen. They are manipulated and controlled
with misinterpreted scriptures, and taught to fear God in the worst way.
Those who have the need to have power over others find ways to exert
such control. One way to accomplish such control is to use God as the
primary avenue. This way, the child grows to blame and hate God, rather
than blaming the caretaker or parent. The parent says things like,
"You can't go to your Prom on the Sabbath because God says that you
can't..." (followed by a biblical quote). Such an explanation
depersonalizes the parent's decision to believe in, regularly observe,
and enforce the Sabbath. As a result, the child resents the Sabbath, and
God, for having such strict regulations, when all the while, the parent
made the decision about the ways in which such beliefs would be
observed.
In my family, my dad took on a god-like persona. He was "god," and god was
he. There was no separation. And from that, I was to be an extension.
Not a mind of my own, but an extension of my father's thoughts. And it
was not promoted in the name of guidance and direction, the way a parent
might hope that their children vote similarly to them in political
elections. It was an ultimatum, an unspoken threat, and the only way to
exist in this life, on this earth. And it was this intense, when I was
very young. Ironically, as I was instructed and expected to conform to
such beliefs, I rarely understood the sermons that my father preached.
Further, I rarely understood any of the sermons preached by any of the
"elders." They were beyond the comprehension of most, let
alone children.
The theme of religion, as I understood, was that it was a huge
commitment, a contradiction, a drastic inconvenience, an overpowering
force, a struggle, something to be figured out and altered, and
something to cause heartache and pain. As an adult, I had a spirituality
course in graduate school. I heard numerous testimonies of individuals
who had found peace, love, and strength in their religious beliefs and
their belief in their God. It was then that I realized that spirituality
does not have to be a dirty word. My dad's religious beliefs have not
ever done for me what they do for him. I was too afraid. I
still am, and I'm 27 years old.
By Beth - Child Survivor of a
destructive WCG offshoot
May 23, 2004
P.S. I am currently
a therapist for children, specializing in abuse and trauma issues. I seek to
validate those who have suffered any form of abuse, including commonly
overlooked spiritual abuse. This site has validated me. Since our WCG
congregation was so
small, I was not aware of the many children elsewhere who had similar
experiences. Keep doing what you're doing. I realize now, with much therapy and self-awareness, that religions don't
abuse, people do.
Note by ESN:
This story is a prime example
of the horrific effects of abusive groups teaching a false god to child survivors.
Be sure and
read: It's Hard to
Get Close to God After Being in Philadelphia Church of God
(also applicable for those raised
in Worldwide Church of God).
Footnote by ESN:
1 Confusion is a
result of the mind control that WCG survivors endured.
Poems/Free Verse/Comfort in Music (comfort
for
survivors of abuse; no audio)
Articles
For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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