I've tried writing this many times now. It's very difficult. I just
discovered this web site a couple months ago, and I can only read parts of
it at a time. I haven't even let my wife read it yet.
I'm currently a musician and a born-again Christian. I was raised in the
Worldwide
Church of God. I'm having huge difficulties remaining a Christian, probably because
of the mind-warp my soul endured like so many thousands and thousands of
others, under the leadership of
Herbert Armstrong.
My wife and fellow Christians do not understand me and my struggles. They
do not understand what we all went through in the WCG. My dad started
attending the church when I was 5, and up until the time I was 15, I was
force-fed every lie the WCG doctrine held to be true. I started
questioning about that time. I can't even describe what I went through
emotionally, spiritually, and physically--like horrible monsters and
demons invading your dreams every night. I cried so much that I began to hate. I hated God, Christians, lies, my dad. Most of all I hated myself. I
decided that drugs, liquor, sex, music, poetry, random acts of destruction
and self injury1, and extreme atheism--anything that could numb that terror
I felt was better. I am 28, and I still almost instinctually go to
those things. I wish I was a better Christian. I wish I could
understand grace. I wish I could really know Jesus like all those other
Christians I attend church with.
The nature and personality of God that Herbert Armstrong instilled in me
and my family is still stuck in us. My brother is an alcoholic; my
dad lives in denial every day. He still holds onto this weird respect for
HWA, and has never even talked about why he stopped attending the "church." I think he's frightened as well as ashamed, like the rest of us. My
mother got fired from her nursing job she's had for 30 years because she
was stealing prescription drugs to "medicate" her depression. Obviously,
she was constantly shunned for 15 years by the "church" because of her
profession, and her firm belief in western medicine. At least my siblings
and I had our vaccine shots because of her. I thank her for that
eternally; having the courage to stand up to those brainwashed people.
I'm scared. Scared because I have two children and another on the way. I'm
scared because I think they can see through me, that they can see that I
really don't understand anything I try to teach them about Jesus. They see
me in front of my church twice a week playing in the praise band, and half
the time I'm wondering if I should even be up there. Children sense these
things. They can sense that, even now, after being a Christian for three
years, their dad is still full of self-doubt in his spiritual walk.
I became a Christian after 10 years of self-loathing and bitterness. I
decided my problems were not too big for Jesus. I felt healed and new
when I was baptized. I was desperate to wash the guilt away. Ever since
I was 5 years old, I felt like every problem my family or I had was
because I was a sinner. Guilt leads to fear, which obviously leads to
hate. By the time I was 25, I was desperate to wash away that guilt. I
told my friend (a missionary) that I believed in Jesus and that I wanted
to be baptized. But as I think back on my baptism, even then I had
serious doubts about the whole Christianity thing--its hard to believe in
anything once you've been deceived and have seen the terrible results of a
lie.
I feel ashamed of my so-called spirituality that I try to instill in my
children. I can't even talk to my wife about it. I hope someone reading
this can understand.
I think the ESN web site is a good thing. I wish I would have known about
it sooner.
By Rory - Child Survivor of WCG
May 27,
2005Note from ESN: Gaining trust in others
and accepting ourselves is extremely difficult after being spiritually
and emotionally abused. Even comprehending the character of the true Jesus
escapes our mind. This has nothing to do with whether we are saved or not.
Jesus holds on to us even when we feel we cannot find Him. There is hope in recovering from this
type of damage.
For all child survivors who are having severe struggles, please see the links below and also don't hesitate to seek outside
help and
support, especially from a qualified counselor
familiar with trauma and/or cult abuse.
Footnote by ESN:
1
If you are struggling
with any kind of destructive behavior; i. e.,
self-injury, Dialectical Behavior
Therapy (DBT) has been found to be helpful. This kind of therapy
helps survivors to use tools to control moods that can go out of control
very rapidly. As one child survivor
(who underwent DBT) told us: "When you feel powerless,
you feel hopeless. Once
you realize that you have the power to change things in your life, you
will not feel you have to wait for people to be good to you. You have
the power to choose a better option."
Surviving
(Written for those who have suffered extreme abuse and who are having a difficult time recovering from
exploitive, soul-damaging situations)
Present in the Pain
(for those who have suffered
horrendous anguish; covers the rage
one can feel at God)
Prayers for Freedom From Spiritual Strongholds
(very effective in gaining liberation from
many strongholds and oppressions due to involvement in any harmful cult or
occult practices; includes moral issues)
Exiters Tell What Has
Helped Them
to Heal From Armstrongism
An End to Guilt (Excellent message
that focuses on the unconditional love of God and gives a clear
understanding of grace)
Excerpts
from chapter 12 of Captive Hearts, Captive Minds
(covers seeking professional counseling and questions to ask.)
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