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I've tried writing this many times now. It's very difficult. I just
discovered this web site a couple months ago, and I can only read parts of
it at a time. I haven't even let my wife read it yet.
I'm currently a musician and a born-again Christian. I was raised in the
Worldwide
Church of God. I'm having huge difficulties remaining a Christian, probably because
of the mind-warp my soul endured like so many thousands and thousands of
others, under the leadership of
Herbert Armstrong.
My wife and fellow Christians do not understand me and my struggles. They
do not understand what we all went through in WCG. My dad started
attending services when I was 5, and up until the time I was 15, I was
force-fed every lie the WCG held to be true. I started
questioning about that time. I can't even describe what I went through
emotionally, spiritually, and physically--like horrible monsters and
demons invading your dreams every night. I cried so much that I began to hate. I hated God, Christians, lies, my dad. Most of all I hated myself. I
decided that drugs, liquor, sex, music, poetry, random acts of destruction
and self injury1, and extreme atheism--anything that could numb that terror
I felt was better. I am 28, and I still almost instinctually go to
those things. I wish I was a better Christian. I wish I could
understand grace. I wish I could really know Jesus like all those other
Christians I attend church with.
The nature and personality of God that Herbert Armstrong instilled in me
and my family is still stuck in us. My brother is an alcoholic; my
dad lives in denial every day. He still holds onto this weird respect for
HWA, and has never even talked about why he stopped attending the "church." I think he's frightened as well as ashamed, like the rest of us. My
mother got fired from her nursing job she's had for 30 years because she
was stealing prescription drugs to "medicate" her depression. Obviously,
she was constantly shunned for 15 years by the "church" because of her
profession, and her firm belief in western medicine.
I'm scared. Scared because I have two children and another on the way. I'm
scared because I think they can see through me, that they can see that I
really don't understand anything I try to teach them about Jesus. They see
me in front of my church twice a week playing in the praise band, and half
the time I'm wondering if I should even be up there. Children sense these
things. They can sense that, even now, after being a Christian for three
years, their dad is still full of self-doubt in his spiritual walk.
I became a Christian after 10 years of self-loathing and bitterness. I
decided my problems were not too big for Jesus. I felt healed and new
when I was baptized. I was desperate to wash the guilt away. Ever since
I was 5 years old, I felt like every problem my family or I had was
because I was a sinner. Guilt leads to fear, which obviously leads to
hate. By the time I was 25, I was desperate to wash away that guilt. I
told my friend (a missionary) that I believed in Jesus and that I wanted
to be baptized. But as I think back on my baptism, even then I had
serious doubts about the whole Christianity thing--its hard to believe in
anything once you've been deceived and have seen the terrible results of a
lie.
I feel ashamed of my so-called spirituality that I try to instill in my
children. I can't even talk to my wife about it. I hope someone reading
this can understand.
I think the ESN web site is a good thing. I wish I would have known about
it sooner.
By Rory - Child Survivor of WCG
May 27,
2005
Articles
For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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