I'm going to share my story,
because I figure a whole lot of people might be in the same boat. I think
if you've been badly, blatantly, abused, it can be easier to eventually
get fed up with it. In my case "the church" was extremely subtle with
their abuse (as my husband is most of the time, unless he's really
raging), so it might be harder to break free because it's "not really that
bad."
My husband and I grew up in the "church" (Worldwide
Church of God). I don't remember being spanked much, but all my dad
had to say was, "Do you need a spanking?" and I'd start bawling, so I know
my parents spanked some early on. My mom routinely threatened me with the
obligatory wooden spoon. I felt so bad for some of my friends, who nearly
every Saturday were taken into a bathroom stall and had to suffer through
having their pants and underwear stripped down and spanked repeatedly on
their bare bottoms, and another person would be beat with a belt over any
small infraction. Nobody so much as batted an eye.
What was hardest for me was an all-pervasive high-pressure performance
mentality of trying to be perfect. I never rebelled, never did anything
"wrong," got all A's, didn't date or kiss until I went to Ambassador
College, yet I always had (and have) zero self-esteem. I've always felt
guilty, but for what I can't say--being human, maybe? Rationally I know
that we're all human and can't be perfect, but it was constantly ground
into us
to be better, give more, not associate with "the world," all we could do
for 24 hours on the Sabbath was read the Bible, act happy--and then there
was the end of the world.
In our church and family, they
kept saying the end of the world [i.e., the end of the age] would happen
by the time I was 18. Ever since I can remember, I thought I wouldn't get
to really have a boyfriend or experience life, go to college, have an
adult job, get married, or worse--not have babies. So just in case, I
tried to do everything on an accelerated schedule. I finished college
early, got married (too) young, had kids
young, and now I feel worn-down and confused. I have children I adore--but
then there's my husband.
My husband grew up having a WCG elder for a father. His father gave
sermonettes and put on a big front to everybody, but to everyone in his
private life, he was a dictator narcissist, constantly screaming,
physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, very controlling, 100%
demeaning and disrespectful to all females. My husband is now carrying on
the happy tradition, minus the physically abusive part. And just like
growing up in the WCG, I am constantly stressed out by trying to be
perfect (which my husband
says is the way I should be because it's good to strive for perfection). I
make excuses for his sullen or abusive behavior and his abhorrent
treatment of me. His complete self-involvement and lack of involvement
with the children he mostly ignores. I am expected to always act cheerful
(remember the song "Just Put on a Happy Face") and I'm not allowed to
raise my voice or criticize pretty much anything he says or does, all the
while calmly taking his unjust criticism and judgmental attitudes toward
me. After 11 years of this, I realize nothing I say (i. e., trying to
defend myself) will change his twisted thinking, his opinion of me and of
women, so I stopped trying to defend myself. He takes this to mean I admit
my guilt to whatever small offense he's taking me to task for, blowing out
of proportion, this time. I know differently: I'm going to counseling, I'm
biding my time.
In counseling, I couldn't understand what made me put up with such
horrible treatment from someone who should have been my best friend, the
one who loved me more than anybody, and whom I should be able to trust
with emotions. Then yesterday I was trying to comfort [a relative who is a
teenager]. She's in a very strict WCG splinter group and was talking about
how she's never even held hands with a boy or done anything wrong, never
rebels, always gets good grades and keeps the O.T. laws to a "T" but
feels so unworthy of existing that she practically thinks about killing
herself. I'd always felt like I was the only one who felt that way. I just
assumed it was yet another way that I was faulty/flawed, but to hear her
say all that totally resonated and I told her how I grew up feeling and
still fight feeling those things. She was amazed and said it
helps her not feel so lonely and afraid. We kinda both realized that maybe
we grew up in "cults."1
So today I did an internet search
on WCG and found this site. In reading the list of different ways cult
leaders control people, I realize that almost every single one also
applies to my husband's treatment of me.2
So I guess now I know the answer to my
earlier puzzlement of how I got into this marital mess when I grew up in a
fairly "normal," loving home. I got out of the "church" in 1996, once I
figured out all was far from right, and now I have to summon more courage
and try to figure out how to get out of my unhealthy marriage. I thought
I'd come farther than this (in my recovery from the WCG) but as my
marriage goes, I have been burying my head in the sand. I'm just now
opening my eyes to what a sham my life and marriage have been.
Good luck to all and God bless.
By Gina - Child Survivor (and
member) of WCG, 1976-1996
November 12, 2007
Footnotes by ESN:
1
The
word "cult" is used in the context of a deceitful, abusive, mind-manipulating organization.
(See:
Identifying Marks of an Exploitive, Abusive Group.)
2 See our article:
Do PCG Husbands Abuse Their Wives?
This article can apply to anyone in an abusive situation. Also shows
examples of healthy behavior in a marriage.
Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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