Overwhelming
Sensation to Flee the WCG
| It was a warm spring day in
1995, when I sat in a
Worldwide Church of God worship service for the last time. My husband
and children had gone out of town for the weekend, so I had driven from
my home alone, 45 miles, to attend WCG and sat by my parents during
the two hour service. As I listened to the sermon, one like I had heard
many times over the past 37 years of my life, I had an overwhelming
sensation of needing to flee.
The room I was in was large, well-lit and filled with many people. Among these people were not only my parents, but also my two brothers, their wives and children, and many life-long friends and acquaintances. Not wanting to upset my parents, or cause a scene, I waited for the final amen before standing to leave. I gave my dad a quick kiss on the cheek and hugged my mom goodbye. As I walked toward the door, my body felt as heavy as lead, and time slowed to a standstill. I remember stopping once, turning around to look back. Here was the world I had always known, family and friends I was so very close to. I looked at their faces, faces and lives that were so very dear to me. I could hear familiar voices and laughter of a people who had touched my life in so many ways. How could I leave them? As I stood watching and listening, the bright room seemed to grow dim and fuzzy, the din of happy voices became muddled. Again, this overwhelming urge to leave came over me, and I turned, and literally ran through the doors and out to my car. It was several minutes later when I looked down at my speedometer and realized I was going well over the speed limit, and could not recall the distance I had covered. I also realized my heart was beating 90-to-nothing, no match for all the thoughts flying through my head. I found myself driving around on the unfamiliar streets of downtown. I headed west toward the river and forced myself to pull off on Riverside Drive and found a place to park along the water front. I sat on the banks of the river, demanding myself to calm down. What are you doing? I kept asking myself. What happens now? I felt as if a tornado had hit my world, leaving it in pieces, and even tearing out its very foundation. Now, seven years later, I realize that that is exactly what happened. My world, as I knew it, was destroyed forever. Overall, I have recovered well.
But some days, like today, I feel a sadness so deeply inside me. And
when I search my soul to find out where it's coming from, well, it goes
back to WCG. And on these days I have learned to just let myself be sad.
After all, I've earned the right to be sad. Seven years of freedom from a
cult has taught me that the sadness doesn't stay around all the time.
There are days, yes even days on end, that I am truly happy and at
peace. But I wonder, will I ever be done with this mourning process?
Maybe not. Maybe we've been hurt so deeply that being healthy means
grieving and purging as needed. Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused |