I am 45 years old and was raised in the
Worldwide Church of God from the time I was
seven. My father was actually in what they referred to as the Sardis era
of the church. His entire family was in it as well. I was eleven when I
realized something was wrong with a church that would teach that unless
you were a part of that church you were going to go to the lake of fire.
My grandmother, whom I loved with all my heart (my mothers Mom), did not
believe this way. She was always very kind about my parents beliefs and
tried very hard to abide by the dietary rules, and holiday rules of the
church. Our not keeping Christmas hurt her very badly. When I was 18, I
did the proper thing and got baptized thinking this would please my
parents. It did not. So I got baptized again a few years later--again
they still did not seem to care. It seemed like I was always trying to
please them and I was always told I was just rebellious.
My husband who was not of the church, but came because he really wanted
to marry me. That was 25 years ago and we are still happily married. I
left the church when I was 34 and am still trying to put this all behind
me and am having a lot of trouble. I have become a part of the Christian
Reformed church here in our community. Our pastor has been so kind and
has tried to be so helpful, but I still am struggling. I do not seem to
be able to grasp on a continual level that God really loves me no matter
what. In my head I can kind of make sense of it. In my heart to believe
it and keep it there is so hard. I have bone cancer and there is nothing
the doctors can do. I want so badly to get this straight before it is
to late. I do believe that I am saved. I don't want to talk bad about
anyone to me that is putting myself on their level and I don't want to
do that, but how does anyone get over this? It is just like being
attacked by terrorists, but even they don't pretend to love you. When I
got cancer, my family (whom all are still in WWCG) were not there for
me. My church had a special prayer service for me, and my parents would
not come because my Mom said she might cry and that would be
embarrassing. My life really isn't worth very much is it? Is this the
way WWCG has taught even now? I thought they had changed.
I am sorry that this probably sounds very confusing, I just have
never talked to anyone who might possibly understand. I have pushed
this under the carpet for years and have lived my life the best I know--and I have always wanted God in my life. I just don't know if it has
been good enough. My family has no idea how I feel about my upbringing.
They seem to see me as this strong person who got out of something bad.
I have feelings of betrayal to my family, and then I am angry at them
for not letting me have a normal childhood. But then I try not to be
angry because that is not what God would want.
So as you can see it was easier to push it into the back of my mind and
not think about it. I found your site because I was searching for a
recipe that I wanted that I knew had been in an old unleavened cook book
and I came across WWCG stuff and I just kept searching for something
that might possibly be helpful in this area and I came across your site.
I am not sure anyone can help me, and I continue to pray daily for God's
love and mercy, but even if I don't hear from anyone, thank you for
taking the time to read this and I ask that you pray for me please and I
will pray that your web site will be encouraging and helpful to all who
come across it and are in need. Thank you for caring so much
By Patti - Child Survivor of
WCG
September 2001
The following
email from the above child survivor
was received a few days after sending her story to ESN:
----- Original Message -----
From:
To:
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2001 8:18 PM
Subject: Re: Can You Help Me
I cannot tell you how much your reply to my letter meant to me. I had
begun to think that I was really crazy, that I was the only one who had
these feelings, and that there was something really wrong with me for
not being able to get beyond them. I have been back to your web site
many times in the last few days and have read and learned so much!! In
your reply you said that God's love for us is based on truth, not on our
feelings about it. I have thought about nothing else since. I prayed outloud as you suggested, and I honestly have felt a peace that I have not
known. Is it possible for this to happen so fast? I gave my letter and
your reply to my pastor Sunday. He had to leave right after church for
home communion, but said that he would read it. He and his wife are the
dearest people. He has a love for God and people that is unbelievable.
(Such as yourself, who gives so much time and love to people you don't
even know). I thank you for your love and interest in all of us who are
out here hurting and feeling very alone on a daily basis. I have become
angry in the last few days regarding WCG. In the past I felt very
guilty about feeling that way.
But, right now I feel very angry because they have not hurt just me, but
they have hurt my children, grandchildren, husband, friends, because I
have not been able to be a whole normal person because of the spiritual
abuse. I want to get beyond this point of anger, and I want to get to
the point of not hurting, and feeling real joy, love, compassion, all
the fruits of the Spirit. Most important I want to get to the point
where I can forgive those that have abused me and others. Because all my
anger is not hurting a single one of them, it is only hurting me and
those I love.
I pray God will bless you and your ministry to those hurting and
suffering. Thanks for helping me see that there is a light at the end of
this long dark tunnel. I believe that God puts people in our lives
for a reason, and at specific times. Thank you for letting God use
you in my life.
Surviving
Several
UPDATES from this child survivor follow (posted in hopes that her
words will encourage other survivors):
----- Original Message -----
From:
To:
Sent: Friday, October 12, 2001 6:00 PM
Subject: Re: Do You Care?
You are welcome to use anything that I have sent to you if you think it
would be helpful and encouraging to others. Thank you for your words of
encouragement.
I want to move beyond this point of hurting, I have been here much too
long. I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason, and at
specific times. Thank you for letting God use you in my life.
Surviving
----- Original Message -----
From:
To:
Sent: Thursday, November 22, 2001 5:48 AM
Subject: Re: Articles are now posted on ESN website
I have just finished reading
your article. All I seem to be able to say is THANK YOU!! What a
blessing you are to myself and others. I would like to thank you, also,
for making this a "safe place" for all of us to
"dump" our garbage. As you stated, so many feel there is no
place to go. Our feelings of shame, separation, inability to feel and
understand God's love in the right way--all of this needs to come out
and the feelings need to be validated. Thank you for doing that.
Today is Thanksgiving Day and I thank God for you and your dedication to
help, support, and be there for those who so desperately need you. If
there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know. I am still
working through the anger, but I know that God is there, and that He
understands and will hold my hand through it all. I also know that He
puts people out there for us, such as yourself, to help us. My prayer is
that this coming year there will be many who feel lost and hopeless,
that will come to see there is hope, that God is there, and He
understands.
May you and your family have a
very Blessed Thanksgiving.
Surviving
January 2002:
I wanted to update you on my
progress. My anger seems to come and go now instead of being a
constant. I am seeing this as progress. I have been praying and working
on being realistic about my extended family in WWCG still. This has been
a painful area for me most of my life--wanting to please people that
came across to me as though they did not care. I am choosing to be
polite if I see them, but I am nor seeking a relationship with them at
this time. They had not contacted me for several months now. I believe
that God will heal this situation as He sees fit and in His time frame.
I also understand that they have to be willing to want to see the truth.
But, instead of seeing what I don't have I am seeing what I do have. ...
But most importantly, God is changing me and helping me grow to be more
loving, patient, kind, compassionate, and understanding. I certainly
have a long way to go, but I do know that as long as I submit myself to
Him, I am on the right road--no matter how bumpy it may be.
Surviving
June 2002:
...I pray that someday my family
will accept and see Christ as He truly is, but that will be their
choice and my only part in it is to conduct myself in a loving, Christian
way as God leads me. Over the last few months the anger, hurt, holes in
my life have gone away--Christ has filled them. My family is in God's
hands and He alone can handle the situation as He sees fit. ...
Love you lots,
Patti
|
I am not able to measure the vastness
nor the intensity nor the overwhelming goodness of our God. If I could,
it would break your heart, and it would break mine if I fully knew. I
can only say that God loves you. ~ J. Vernon McGee
|
NOTE: Read this
survivor's Letter to
Joseph W. Tkach Jr., which was never answered.
God So Loved
by J. Vernon McGee
This small booklet shows God's
infinite, marvelous love and the length to which He has gone to
demonstrate it. "I am not able to measure the vastness nor the
intensity nor the overwhelming goodness of our God. If I could, it would
break your heart, and it would break mine if I fully knew. I can only
say that God loves you." (excerpt)
Order from: Thru the Bible Radio
Network
The Love of God
Articles
For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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