Hard to Believe That God Loves Me
| I am 45 years old and was raised in the Worldwide Church of God from the time I was seven. My father was actually in what they referred to as the Sardis era of the church. His entire family was in it as well. I was eleven when I realized something was wrong with a church that would teach that unless you were a part of that church you were going to go to the lake of fire. My grandmother, whom I loved with all my heart (my mothers Mom), did not believe this way. She was always very kind about my parents beliefs and tried very hard to abide by the dietary rules, and holiday rules of the church. Our not keeping Christmas hurt her very badly. When I was 18, I did the proper thing and got baptized thinking this would please my parents. It did not. So I got baptized again a few years later--again they still did not seem to care. It seemed like I was always trying to please them and I was always told I was just rebellious. My husband who was not of the church, but came because he really wanted to marry me. That was 25 years ago and we are still happily married. I left the church when I was 34 and am still trying to put this all behind me and am having a lot of trouble. I have become a part of the Christian Reformed church here in our community. Our pastor has been so kind and has tried to be so helpful, but I still am struggling. I do not seem to be able to grasp on a continual level that God really loves me no matter what. In my head I can kind of make sense of it. In my heart to believe it and keep it there is so hard. I have bone cancer and there is nothing the doctors can do. I want so badly to get this straight before it is to late. I do believe that I am saved. I don't want to talk bad about anyone to me that is putting myself on their level and I don't want to do that, but how does anyone get over this? It is just like being attacked by terrorists, but even they don't pretend to love you. When I got cancer, my family (whom all are still in WWCG) were not there for me. My church had a special prayer service for me, and my parents would not come because my Mom said she might cry and that would be embarrassing. My life really isn't worth very much is it? Is this the way WWCG has taught even now? I thought they had changed. I am sorry that this probably sounds very confusing, I just have never talked to anyone who might possibly understand. I have pushed this under the carpet for years and have lived my life the best I know--and I have always wanted God in my life. I just don't know if it has been good enough. My family has no idea how I feel about my upbringing. They seem to see me as this strong person who got out of something bad. I have feelings of betrayal to my family, and then I am angry at them for not letting me have a normal childhood. But then I try not to be angry because that is not what God would want. By Patti - Child Survivor of WCG The following email from the above child survivor was received a few days after sending her story to ESN: ----- Original Message ----- I cannot tell you how much your reply to my letter meant to me. I had begun to think that I was really crazy, that I was the only one who had these feelings, and that there was something really wrong with me for not being able to get beyond them. I have been back to your web site many times in the last few days and have read and learned so much!! In your reply you said that God's love for us is based on truth, not on our feelings about it. I have thought about nothing else since. I prayed outloud as you suggested, and I honestly have felt a peace that I have not known. Is it possible for this to happen so fast? I gave my letter and your reply to my pastor Sunday. He had to leave right after church for home communion, but said that he would read it. He and his wife are the dearest people. He has a love for God and people that is unbelievable. (Such as yourself, who gives so much time and love to people you don't even know). I thank you for your love and interest in all of us who are out here hurting and feeling very alone on a daily basis. I have become angry in the last few days regarding WCG. In the past I felt very guilty about feeling that way. Several UPDATES from this child survivor follow (posted in hopes that her words will encourage other survivors): ----- Original Message ----- ----- Original Message ----- I have just finished reading your article. All I seem to be able to say is THANK YOU!! What a blessing you are to myself and others. I would like to thank you, also, for making this a "safe place" for all of us to "dump" our garbage. As you stated, so many feel there is no place to go. Our feelings of shame, separation, inability to feel and understand God's love in the right way--all of this needs to come out and the feelings need to be validated. Thank you for doing that. Today is Thanksgiving Day and I thank God for you and your dedication to help, support, and be there for those who so desperately need you. If there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know. I am still working through the anger, but I know that God is there, and that He understands and will hold my hand through it all. I also know that He puts people out there for us, such as yourself, to help us. My prayer is that this coming year there will be many who feel lost and hopeless, that will come to see there is hope, that God is there, and He understands. May you and your family have a very Blessed Thanksgiving. Surviving January 2002: I wanted to update you on my progress. My anger seems to come and go now instead of being a constant. I am seeing this as progress. I have been praying and working on being realistic about my extended family in WWCG still. This has been a painful area for me most of my life--wanting to please people that came across to me as though they did not care. I am choosing to be polite if I see them, but I am nor seeking a relationship with them at this time. They had not contacted me for several months now. I believe that God will heal this situation as He sees fit and in His time frame. I also understand that they have to be willing to want to see the truth. But, instead of seeing what I don't have I am seeing what I do have. ... But most importantly, God is changing me and helping me grow to be more loving, patient, kind, compassionate, and understanding. I certainly have a long way to go, but I do know that as long as I submit myself to Him, I am on the right road--no matter how bumpy it may be. Surviving June 2002: Love you lots,
NOTE: Read this survivor's Letter to Joseph W. Tkach Jr., which was never answered. God So Loved by J. Vernon McGee Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused |