| Going to your site has helped me
a great deal, if only because it allowed me to see a lot of what I was
feeling in words, especially the anger and loss. It was all the things that I have
been experiencing, but thought maybe I was the only one and that I
should buck up and deal. My best friend and her family (our pastor in
Pasadena) left
Worldwide a few years ago. I haven't seen her in 8 years.
We don't talk about it, we never have. There was such an intense feeling
of loss. When I told her, she didn't even understand. She told me I
shouldn't feel that way since it was Worldwide that "changed."1 In the
midst of all the changes in the 90's I and my family were moving hither
and thither (six times total to three different states) So this
pervading feeling of loss, loss, loss has crippled me. But in the midst
of it, I know God was with me.
We moved in 1991 from Pasadena
and it was as if California was vomiting us out of its mouth. Things
were happening rapidly. I'm so glad now that I wasn't there when
all the
crap hit the fan. It was bad in the field ministry, though. Do I want to go
back to Worldwide Church of God the way it was? Heck no. I have so much more freedom in
Christ now. It's just that sometimes even freedom feels uncomfortable.
Does that make sense? There is so much healing that must go on. I
know that Jesus can and is doing that--I'm not even as depressed as I
used to be when we first started moving (which has its own set of emotional problems). I'm
just a big mess.
I know it's no challenge for Jesus to "fix" me, but sometimes
I just wish He'd hurry up.
I miss the community that the "church" provided. I know that now. Sometimes I'm just burning inside with anger--when I can't find a job
and
when I'm shy and retiring, even though I know that there is a bold and
energetic person inside me. Was WCG a cult? Yes. Do I miss some of it? Yes.
Would I want to go back? No. For the friendships? Sometimes. I know I've
made different friends now. Last year I traveled with a student exchange
for a whole year to ten different countries. I stayed in host families
and I went to Rome,
to the Netherlands--so many places. I did things I never dreamed. I
would have never been able to do all that in Worldwide. For that I'm
grateful.
Am I still fearful to tell
people about Worldwide? Yes. Because they give me a blank look and they
tell me, "Well just get over it." So I just smile sweetly and
inside I say, "Point: Don't confide anything in them again."
So it's a process.
I'm so incredibly glad I didn't grow up
in Mr.
Armstrong's family. I can remember when I was little, sitting at
the Day of Atonement and hearing him bang on the podium and thinking
"he's a mean man." I feel sorry for him. He will have to
answer to God. But I don't worry about him at all. I just focus on my own
relationship with Jesus.
You know, I've learned more
about Jesus in the past five years (been baptized/saved-- whatever lingo you wanna use--since
1996, and this after a "worldly" Christian
concert, ha ha ha) than my whole life up to that point. It's been hard,
but sweet.
Today I took my mom to your website and she said she felt
relief that she wasn't the only one. Slowly, but surely, the Lord is
leading us to doors that are helping us restore our broken lives. I have
more hopes and dreams than before, but many times I second guess myself
that God can use me, or that I can help someone else.
I can remember one Sabbath sitting in services and one of the
ministers was talking about being the "one true church" (makes me shiver
to think of that phrase. What arrogance--yick!) And a little voice came
in my head and said, " What if we aren't the only ones? Other
churches think they are right too." I got scared. I couldn't
have been older than 8 because I remember my feet didn't touch the
floor. Anyways, I remember closing my eyes and telling God, " Please
help me God, please don't let us be wrong. But if we are, God, please
tell us soon!!" Isn't that funny? I thank God for His mercy.
Thank you for the work you are doing so that people can vent about
all the nasty stuff inside. What Satan meant for evil God is using for good.
Your experience in Worldwide
is being used as a testimony and you are helping people. I have to
believe that. I have to believe that even in our ignorance that God was
fully aware, that He was still on His throne and that everything was
under His feet--totally under His control and that His heart longed to
bring us to the truth which was very plain to see in his Son Jesus
Christ. I feel blessed that I found my true Deliverer even
though I still have questions of Him and I get angry sometimes. One day
we'll look back on all of this and praise Jesus that He trusted us
enough to deal with something so ugly and not relinquish our faith; that we leaned on Him enough and refused to allow Satan to use the
situation to kill us totally to the point where we turned our back on
Jesus as some who left Worldwide did.
Anyways enough of that. I
could go
on and on. It's cathartic. Thank you.
By Kaye - Child Survivor of WCG
August 26, 2001
Footnote by ESN:
1
See
our articles under Worldwide Church of God Changes and History Revision.
Articles
For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
Back
to Stories and Testimonies From Child Survivors
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