| The "WCG attitude" of
having to appear happy and content has had a big influence on my life. I
remember Saturday mornings were so disorganized. Getting ready for
church was always a huge argument of getting everyone ready. We all
needed baths and hair washes because we weren't made to wash our hair
the night before and lay out clothes. Usually on Saturday mornings there
was a last minute rush to iron clothes or find the right outfit to put
on. Sometimes I wouldn't have a certain article of clothing, so I would
have to run up to the store to buy it for myself. I spent many Saturday
mornings doing the youth Bible correspondence courses because I hated them so much
that I had
to have a screaming argument to do them. My mom had restroom duty for a
long time at church and had to be there early. She would also listen to
tapes all morning before we left. Usually Dad was working a late shift
Friday night and we weren't certain if we'd even be able to take the
car. If he wanted the car in the morning he would come home just in time
to take us to church late and then he'd pick us up late.
It was incredibly
nerve-wracking at our house all day long just to go sit for two
hours at services. By the time we got there everyone was always in a
foul mood and you wished with all your heart that it was over. I hated
Saturdays. But, always, you were told in the car to "be good,"
"smile," and "behave or else." I learned to slide
that smile mask right on to my face as I walked inside and shook hands
with the greeters. For years I barely spoke to anyone because I didn't
know them and I didn't want any part of it all.
The masks extended to home
because you always had to not be a troublemaker because that would
single you out for getting into trouble. Also, mom looked at me as a
friend or little helper. I couldn't be emotional or have desires or
needs for love or attention because those things were not accepted. If
you were hurt you had to learn how to go off by yourself and get
yourself together. I learned to shut off my feelings at such an early
age because they hurt terribly and you were
made to feel wrong for having them. It is still very hard for me to have
to cry alone because I always feel like it's not okay to be hurt, that
whatever hurts is my fault. I don't know how to have emotions without
feeling so terribly ashamed that I've lost control and so very guilty
about whatever happened. I always feel like everybody else must be
right, that I am always wrong.
I had a mask at school too
because I had to separate myself from the shame of believing weird
beliefs and from being poor. And from being the sister of a brother who
always messed up so badly and who made it harder for me to come up
behind him in grades and have to totally undo the perceptions his old
teachers had of my family. I had to cover the embarrassment and anger
and pain of being singled out during the holidays and also for not being
allowed to do things on Friday nights and Saturdays. I had to pretend
that it
was because I didn't want to do those things. I really did want to
participate in those things that other kids did, and it was hard not to
be able to. I learned to lie about things because that was easier than
explaining them to people who wouldn't understand.
I have a "telephone"
voice that I use when talking to people. I have a "good
friend" attitude when talking with other friends. I'm very
conscience of other people's perceptions of how I conduct my life. I
have compartmentalized every little aspect or emotion in my personality
so that I can pull them out when I need them. Like a set of
encyclopedias. Pull out just the book you need. That's why it's so hard
to figure out who I really am. Because all my masks feel fake. They were
just fronts to cover emotions that I couldn't express. I just never knew
that it was really okay to say things hurt.
When I started acting out at
WCG and dropping the happy face, that's when it turned bad for me there.
That's when I started getting little corrections and reprimands and all
that. Once I became unmanageable according to them, that's when I became
a target and a scapegoat. That's when I started getting blamed for
influencing other kids when I hadn't even done anything half the
time.
I don't want to have
Worldwide Church of God inside me anymore because it still just tears
me up inside and it still makes me always question myself. I wish I
could just delete the program or something, wipe my whole mind clean and
just see what's left and work with that. You know, three years ago, when
I started going to a new Christian church, I actually asked what the rules were. I
asked what we believed as members of that church. And, I thought I could
get kicked out for not attending services or putting money in the
offering basket. I didn't even know it was allowed to ask questions. And
I was shocked and amazed that the people called our pastor by his first
name and the women were allowed to wear slacks. Nobody was telling us
what to do and what to wear and how to behave. I felt really lost and
confused. I thought you had to hide your real life and just smile for
fear it would be thought that you weren't measuring up.
By Hallie - Child Survivor of WCG
June 19, 2001
Give the shame back to
the shameless
caretakers--those who put on us, who controlled
our thoughts and actions. They expected us to be perfect, to act
without complaint, no matter what. Their demands were used to
carry out the rules of the poisonous system. They used these
methods to defend themselves from their own shame.
~ Anonymous |
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