I want to share my story of getting over Worldwide, in case it can help any of your other readers.

I am 32 years old, and I grew up in Worldwide. My final exit was in 1996 because I simply did not want any part of the bitterness that came post-changes, nor did I believe the philosophies of the breakaway groups. However, I tried to exit at the ages of 15 and 17, and ended up back in "the church" (at least halfheartedly) both times.

I had the benefit of a non-believing, non-attending, but very supportive father. I believe that his presence, influence and encouragement to develop my own thinking was a saving grace in my "recovery."

I was active in Y.O.U, I went to SEP, I went to Feasts and track meets and basketball games and services. I went through all the usual struggles of trying to fit in at school when you also had the "church baggage." And I was a geek/honors student on top of that. Double baggage!

I left the WCG two months before my seventeenth birthday. I didn't believe it was wrong, rather I left because it was too hard to continue putting the actions with the beliefs. Therefore, if I just left, maybe I could sort out beliefs that weren't so hard.

My father supported this, and tried to talk with me about how to structure my life without "the church." (He had resigned from the Quakers as an adult, and had some experience). He, however, had no practice talking to us kids concerning emotional matters, so it was difficult for him to break through. I was very happy because I had a boyfriend, a job, and could now go out or work on Friday nights!

My mother, however, could not talk to me. Within a week after I decided not to attend services, a visiting minister gave a sermon about how the children of Worldwide were "liable for their knowledge." So the teenagers who had attended and left were at risk of the Lake of Fire. My brother (who was in college) had stopped attending around the same time I had, so my mother was faced with the fact that the kids were going to burn in the fiery eternal death. (The fiery eternal death that should not be mistaken for hell because, remember, we didn't believe in heaven and hell!) She broke down crying in services and confronted the minister--who backed off the harsh stance that he had taken on the pulpit.

Every time she would see me going out with my boyfriend, she would lecture me or cry. It hurt her so much to see myself going along this "worldly" path that she simply could not connect with me.

The life that I was living at the time would have been a non-WCG parent's dream. My boyfriend loved and respected the fact that I was not willing to have sex yet and even liked it that I didn't wear makeup. I was not involved with drugs. My "worldly friends" were mostly honor students or college students that wanted to protect my innocence. I had been around alcohol, but could attend a beer bash where others feel compelled to drink to fit in. Worldwide had forced me to stand up for my beliefs so much that I had found ways to fit in without being destructive. I was a high-achieving student, and had gotten scholarships to go to college. All in all, I was a great kid!

Because Mom couldn't talk to me, she didn't know these things. I was in the habit of not giving her a full picture of my life, because she frequently overreacted to very non-threatening behaviour in the past. (WCG brainwashing again.) Instead of seeing my general responsibility, as she had in the past, she told me she would have kicked me out of the house if it wasn't for my father. This was a result of the WCG brainwashing.

But I felt more alone during the time that I left than I ever had before.

My boyfriend couldn't take the pressure of suddenly being my stability during this time, and broke up with me. (Honestly, a healthy thing to do on his part.) The only person I could turn to was a very hurt, manipulative man who did take advantage of the situation and played havoc with my world view just for the fun of it.

Six months after leaving WCG, I had come to a point where I had no idea what my beliefs were about sex, God or my family. Things had gotten better with my parents once I had moved out of their house, gone off to college, and pulled straight A's my first semester. Since they didn't have to see what time I came home, they decided not to worry about me so much. We had more room to start to build a better relationship.

Then, the Berlin Wall came down. I thought the rumors of the end time were true, and I went back to the WCG out of fear. The next four or six years were spent balancing a hypocritical life out of WCG with keeping a good face inside WCG.

I had two serious relationships with men who were not part of WCG during this time, one of whom wanted to marry me. I had no idea what to do about these, since WCG gave us no training. It just said not to marry outside "the church." I didn't know how I felt about the WCG, so I didn't know how I felt about marrying outside. I just knew that I never seemed to meet boys within the WCG who opened up to me in the same way. I had no idea how to discuss my concerns with these men. I was afraid they would not understand, or if they did know who I really was, they wouldn't be able to love me.

Years after I left, I got to know the loving God. I began to understand that Christ died so that we could know the love of God directly -- without needing the intervention of a priesthood, or a WCG-type of organization. And I understood that the meaning of the death and life of Christ is the path to heal the world from the types of hurt that comes from abuse. And I came to understand the power of Grace.

I still have trouble when I think very hard about the afflictions and restrictions that the WCG put on all of its members -- but particularly its children. I also have a very hard time with participating in organized religion today. Any suggestion that donation would be a requirement of Christianity sent me flying out the door faster than you could say "Jesus"!

Despite this, it is a very personal Christianity that has helped in my recovery. The forgiving God of Hosea, and the Christianity of the entire book of Ephesians have very much helped me to see God as a powerful giver of love and grace.

This has helped me to come to a point where it is okay to have wants and needs and recognize them. I can open myself wholly to those who are in my life. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts, depression, or a belief that I am unworthy of love. And I have a very strong, healthy relationship with my husband.

So to all the child survivors, please don't give up hope. You can find peace and happiness, even as a survivor.

By Desirée - Child Survivor of WCG
May 19, 2004

Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused

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