I am now 49
years old. When I was 2,
my parents joined Worldwide Church of
God. Before that my father was a deacon in a Pentecostal “holy
roller” church. At the time he was seeking a more substantial church. He and my mother were always godly people. The message of HWA resonated
with them and they eagerly absorbed the doctrines of "the church." My
father had been married before and to his credit he told the elders that
his earlier marriage had been annulled so that they wouldn’t make my
parents separate. My father loved my mother deeply. It wasn’t until 30
years later that I learned the truth that his prior marriage lasted 10
years and ended in divorce. I am thankful that he wasn’t willing to
throw his marriage to my mother away. I knew several families in the
WCG that had been separated, and their lives and their children’s lives
devastated, because of
this
doctrine in the WCG. I'm sure he felt great guilt having lied to
them.
The next 18
years of my life was miserable to say the least. Even though I always
felt love from my parents, they were duty-bound to raise me according to
church standards. I always felt that I was an outsider at school. Having to sit outside in the hall while my schoolmates were
participating in Christmas and Easter activities or celebrating
birthdays was humiliating. None of my schoolmates could understand how
I could call myself a Christian yet not celebrate Christmas. Being a
light to the world outwardly quenched my sense of self. I was a slave
to the WCG's doctrine. My self pity only caused great pangs of guilt to
well up inside of me.
It was
impossible to measure up to expectations. I tried very hard to be the
little boy that my parents wanted me to be but I always fell short. Some of worst memories of my childhood were the spankings. I was
spanked on a near daily basis for what were sometimes the most trivial
of transgressions. I recall the horror, when I was about 8, of sitting
in church listening to a sermon by Mr. Dennis (Fresno,
CA).
He was preaching that children needed to be spanked daily, and with
vigor, to make sure we had the fear of God in us. I was already getting
spanked regularly but now the sessions became more intense. Shortly
afterward, my father spanked me for 30 minutes because I had missed one
leaf while raking the backyard. I know my father felt bad about the
beatings he was giving me, but he was doing what he was told. After all--the elders knew better than the lowly lay-persons what was best. I
dealt with all this abuse by burying my emotions deep within. I grew up
thinking that I was evil beyond hope and that I wouldn’t amount to
anything. I also developed a deep-seated distrust and fear of all
authority figures whether within the WCG or in the world. I still avoid
conflicts with nearly everyone at all costs. I inevitably viewed God as
vindictive looking to punish me for every bad deed or thought. The
concept of a loving God was not just a foreign idea--it never even
entered my mind.
I learned
that to survive you had to do as you were told. As I grew older, I
buried my dreams deep within and cultivated an outward persona that
allowed me to survive within the WCG. As a teenager I became the Y.O.U.
president of our church and went to two retreats [S.
E. P. summer camps] to Big Sandy, Texas. I
don’t remember much about these retreats except meeting lots of other
teens that were much like me. I had quit paying much attention to the
teachings. I think I intuitively knew that there was something wrong
here, but the fear of the lake of fire and of embarrassing my parents
kept me in the WCG. The only friends I had were a few from my
congregation that
had similar stories. Although we never spoke of the hardships amongst
ourselves, we shared this common bond. Occasionally one of us couldn't
take it anymore and turned to drugs or illicit sexual activities in
rebellion. Inevitably these teens were kicked out of "the church." One
of my best friends got so heavily into drugs that she was shipped away
back east to live with her grandmother so as not to be an embarrassment
to her family. When she returned about a year later she was just a
shell of a person. I tried to connect with her but she was so deeply
depressed that I could barely get her to talk. About a month later she
took a gun and shot herself in the head. She was just 16 years old.
Others just drifted away never to be heard from again.
When I was
18 or 19 (1975 or 1976) we started hearing rumblings of dissention
amongst the leadership.1
The elders were vigilant about keeping it under wraps, but we knew
something was going on. My father started reading some of the dissenting
literature and decided to leave the WCG about the time I turned 20. My
mother, for fear of the lake of fire, wouldn’t leave and stayed in the
WCG until her death in 2003. After my father left, and without
giving it much thought, one Saturday I decided to just not to go to
church. And I haven’t been back since.
My entire
childhood was sacrificed to the WCG and I was eager to build a life
outside the group. It was a task that I was not equal to. I did go to
school and get a degree and a good job but the underlying anger and
resentment could not be shaken. I was able to forgive my father, but I
couldn't forgive the WCG. I was afraid to get married and raise a
family because I didn't know what a "normal" family was--or even if I
could function within one. I eventually married a Jewish woman. She
wasn't a godly women, but I could relate to her Jewish traditions. We
had two children together. I was not a good husband. I was loyal to
her, but I couldn't give myself to her emotionally. Whenever there was
conflict with her, or with others, I would just shut down and go back
into my shell. The outward persona that I had built was just a house of
cards that came tumbling down. We were divorced when our children were
7 and 4. I have managed to be a good father and have vowed not to
inflict on them the horrors of my childhood.
I spent the
first 28 years since I left the WCG calling myself an agnostic because I
didn't know what to believe. Over the years, my father tried repeatedly to share
the gospel with me in person and through letters and tapes. I never
listened to him and the letters went un-opened and the tapes un-listened
to. I would never again let a man tell me what
to believe and I didn’t know where to turn.
As a child, we had spent most of
our feasts in
Squaw Valley, CA. It was here in
this beautiful setting that I developed a love of nature. Years later I
would go to the mountains and see God in the intricate beauty of
nature. I knew there was a God, but I didn’t know how to relate to him. As my life deteriorated on so many different levels, I continually found
solace in my relationship with my children and with nature. Still I
knew that there was a hole in my being that needed to be filled. I took
up nature photography to give myself motivation to get out into nature
as much as possible. I was seeking God in the only place I knew where
to look. I could see His handiwork but I still didn't know Him. Out of
desperation, a little more than a year ago, I prayed for the first time
in as long as I can remember. I simply asked God to show me who He
really was.
About 6
months later, while at a nature photographer's convention in
Denver, I met a Christian woman. I was totally blown away by her sincere
faith. We made a date to get together at home in Southern California
after the conference. I asked her about her faith and shared some of my
experiences with the WCG with her. She recognized right away that the
WCG was a cult. She attends a non-denominational Bible believing and
teaching church. She showed me in the Bible that
God is a loving God and
that we can't be saved through works, but only by grace. This was such a
foreign concept to me that I had to learn more. With the help of a few
well chosen study guides, I opened the Bible and read it for myself. No
elders telling me what to believe. I proved for myself that the Bible
is the Word of God. I proved that Jesus was God in the flesh and that
He gave Himself as a sacrifice for all of our sins and He rose from the
dead. I asked if I could attend church services with her. I was amazed
at the amount of love I felt within the congregation. Except for the
occasional wedding, this was the first church I had stepped into for 28
years. On Easter Sunday 2006, I gave my life to the Lord.
I am
convinced that God brought this wonderful woman into my life as an
answer to my simple prayer to please show me who He truly is. God’s
timing is glorious. At any other time in my past I would have run from anyone professing
to be a Christian. We both were not planning to go to this conference,
but changed our minds at the last minute. My son begged me to go until
I relented and her best friend gave her $1,000 for Christmas so that she
could attend. We both thank God that He brought the two of us
together. And I am especially thankful that I can now have a personal
relationship with our Lord and Savior.
I still have to fight these feelings that I am unworthy to
come before God. And it still amazes me that our God is a loving God
that wants to have a relationship with me. I have a long way to go to
heal the wounds, but with God's help and the strength I find in the
Word, I am getting there. I never could have researched the WCG without
the strength of the Lord helping me to try to forgive. My biggest
regret at this point is that my children were raised without knowing
Jesus. I pray that their hearts are open to the truth and that they
would be like the Bereans--not take any man's word, but to prove all
things for themselves in the Scriptures.
By Neil
Donaldson - Child survivor of WCG
December 1, 2006
Footnote by ESN:
1 For
more info on this period of time, read:
Worldwide Church of God History.
Comforting Words About the True God
Articles
For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
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