Single people in the churches of God (i.e., Living Church of God, Philadelphia Church of God, and other WCG offshoots with an authoritarian structure, face enormous challenges finding a suitable mate within the organization.

Every year our church would host a single’s event and invite all the singles in outlying areas to attend. They would be treated to a weekend of scheduled activities that usually consisted of entertainment (provided by talented singles), a dinner, a dance, and a breakfast and Bible study the following day. The main objective was for singles to meet and hopefully marry somebody that was "converted" so they wouldn’t become "unequally yoked" to someone outside of the church. 

We were newly married and had no children yet, so we became friends with many singles in our local area. We enjoyed having them to over for Sabbath dinner on numerous occasions. During our time together, they would enlighten us about the trials that singles in the WCG had to endure.

We learned that there were two classes of singles--the eligible (those who had never married before and were baptized and considered "converted") and the ineligible (those who had been previously married and not allowed to date anyone within the church, regardless of  being baptized). It seemed that classifying singles into these two categories caused a host of problems. The eligible singles were, of course, considered to be the better of the two. If you were eligible, then you could attend singles events. If you were ineligible, you were banned from them. If you were eligible, and fell in love with an ineligible, then you were damned from the start! If you were an eligible or an ineligible who fell in love with somebody outside of the church, then you were anathema!  If you were an eligible of minority descent, and couldn’t hook up with someone of the same race, you were more than damned--you were sentenced to celibacy! Singles in the church had to tow a straight (and thin) line.

Whenever our church hosted a "Singles Weekend Event," we always housed as many as we could from distant areas. We truly enjoyed having them over, and they kept us informed about the successes (and failures) of matchmaking. One of the main complaints we heard from the single women is that they felt discouraged by these events, saying they were little more than a church sponsored "meat market." The men, they complained, would focus all their energies seeking out the young, rich, or beautiful. They told us that the men didn’t seem to care about the spiritual fruits they had to offer. They felt the men in God’s church were shallow. We had witnessed this, as the men seemed to clamor over the one or two popular young ladies oozing with talent and looks. The women we housed were trying hard not to feel disappointed when they returned each evening without even as much as a dance. They had traveled a long distance, scrimped to purchase a nice dress, only to be overlooked as a wallflower. But the men had problems of their own. 

We heard from the single men that since they knew that they would never be able to divorce, they were pressured to pick the best of the best. The older men complained that the majority of older women fell into the ineligible category, since, by this time of their lives, they had been married at least once. They also revealed to us that older women usually had a couple of kids, and they were frightened by not being able to support her financially. By the time they paid tithes, they couldn’t see how they could afford a wife and kids. So they felt that seeking a younger woman would avert foreseeable distress. 

In addition to the singles weekends, the Feast was considered another "opportunity" to seek out a future mate. Singles had a whole week filled with activities geared toward their group. There was much excitement in the air as the singles had "another chance" to try to find a future mate. After every Feast, we would hear a few declare, "I think I finally found someone!" They would tell us about the marvelous week spent with this person, being wined and dined. This set the poor single up for failure on both sides. It gave the woman the false impression that the man was generous because he had lavished money on her during the Feast. Later, when they would finally get together again, she would think he was stingy because he no longer had 2^nd tithe to blow and had to be frugal again. We would hear, "He’s not the same guy that he was at the Feast" because he couldn’t afford to take her to an expensive restaurant. 

Distance was also another obstacle that singles had to overcome. I remember a friend of ours who had met someone during the Feast. Both were considered eligible, but they lived in separate states. This seemed to happen a lot in the WCG. They wrote to each other and talked over the phone.  Soon, they became engaged. The wedding plans were set, but my friend backed out about two weeks before the wedding.  She began to see that she was feeling desperate--desiring to marry, but suddenly realizing that she really didn’t know the person all that well. Most of us who married outside of the WCG know that we had spent daily time with our future spouse, doing things together and really getting to know each other over a period of time. This was a luxury that many singles in the WCG did not have, since they lived in distant states (and even countries).

Just a few short weeks before the wedding, her fiancée came to visit so they could finalize wedding plans and they spent more personal time together. She began to notice how condescended and controlling he was, and had the courage to call it off. We knew other women who were in the same boat, but went through with the marriage because they were afraid they would never find someone (since it had already taken years to find this one). They reasoned, "Well, if I’m converted, and he’s converted (meaning both were baptized members), then we both have God’s Spirit, so we’ll be able to work things out."  This was a recipe for disaster. Some women realized too late how little they knew of their future spouses. We had a friend who was raped, and nobody would believe her. Needless to say, she called off the wedding. She was pressured to not press charges and made to feel that this incident was partially her fault because she was "alone with him." 

"Unbound" and Eligible

For some reason, if a woman had been previously married and divorced before she came into the church, she would be considered eligible, but "damaged goods," and if she had children, that made her more avoidable.  I remember a friend of mine (Sherry) that was completely frustrated by a young man in her church who wouldn’t even consider dating a young mother whose husband had passed away some years ago.  There were very slim pickings in her church area, and Sherry said the young mother was one of the sweetest people she ever knew.  Sherry thought a certain young man would make the young mother a good husband, since they were about the same age, so she asked him why he didn’t ask her out.  He told her, "She's not a virgin."  It seemed that there was some kind of bias against women in the church if they weren’t virgins, even though they were considered "eligible."  We knew a young lady, who grew up in the church, rebelled when she was a teen, got pregnant, and returned after having her baby.  She was treated as an outcast, even though she was baptized and considered "converted" after her return. 

Even older singles had their challenges.  I recall one singles’ event where an older woman attended, who was finally unbound from her failed marriage and declared "eligible."  I don’t think she was really looking so much for a future mate, as she was simply exercising her freedom to go out and enjoy her life for the first time (her ex-husband had been very abusive and controlling).  Instead of accepting her in Christian love, some people saw her there and started making snide remarks about her.  "What’s she doing here?  Who in the world would want her?" we heard a few muttering.  So even if one became eligible, the stigma of being divorced remained.

We knew several divorced singles that would wait months, even years, for headquarters to declare them "unbound."  Other people we knew would be allowed to divorce, but were told that they could never date or remarry.  We used to make fun of the Catholic Church approving and annulling marriages, without realizing that the WCG was no different than the Catholic Church in this area!  It seemed that divorced singles, even though they would be told that they were "unbound," were subjected to arbitrary rules.  If the minister liked them, getting approval to date wasn’t difficult.  But if the minister didn’t like them, then he would make their lives miserable.  One week he would say it was okay for them to date, the next week he would change his mind.  We were acquainted with two young single men, both divorced because their spouses unexpectedly left them.  One of them got his approval to date within a year, while the other one waited years and still heard nothing.  He was trying hard not to complain, and would approach the minister to question why he hadn’t heard anything.  The minister would brush him off, and our friend was feeling very, very frustrated and depressed, because he wanted to get married and get on with his life.  He was also tired of feeling like he was being punished indefinitely for a past mistake.  The first gentleman was well liked by the minister, and the second gentlemen, wasn’t.  

The ministry could also use "dating approval" to keep certain people away from each other as well. For instance, if a young man was interested in an elder's, or minister's daughter, and he wasn't somebody "special" (an Ambassador College graduate), they could ban the young man from her, even though he was baptized and considered "converted."

Even though being in the "eligible" category was better than being in the ineligible category, it didn’t make things any easier. "Getting approval to date" was another hurdle singles had to jump. We learned that just because a single was eligible didn’t mean they could date whomever they wanted. They had to get "permission" from the ministry--and they had to do this regardless of how old they were! As if this weren’t tragic enough, the minister had to make sure that "races" weren’t being mixed. It wasn’t about mixing black and white since that was clearly forbidden--it was “how white is white?” If you were Hispanic and Caucasian, could you date someone that was Indian and Caucasian?  What next? DNA tests? It was so bizarre.  

Converted/unconverted: