| I have probably been depressed
my whole life. My mom was Catholic and my Dad couldn't of cared less
about God. My Dad was a control freak, still is, and he treated me as
his "whipping boy." When he had a hard day at the office and
needed some way to relieve some stress, not to worry, I was always at
home for him to dump all of his stress and the crap of the day on. Mom
enabled a lot of stuff but it was Dad who brought on the emotional,
spiritual and even physical abuse. I was sexually abused when I was
about six years of age by the babysitter. I developed a peptic ulcer by
the time I was 12 years old . By the time I left my parents house (I
don't say "my" house because I never felt at ease there), I
lived in constant fear of my dad and he knew that and he used that fear.
But when I did leave my "family of origin," I was a text book
case in Toxic Shame. My spirit was split and I suffered an emotional
breakdown a few years after I was married.
Enter
Garner Ted Armstrong* at
this time. Boy, was I a prime candidate for a
cult! I was searching at
the time for some kind of meaning, some role model, someone and somebody
to feel connected to or accepted by. Armstrong spoke with such
confidence and I was so trusting and I wanted "black and
white" answers to hang my life on. I needed a purpose to keep on
living and doing the "Word of God" was the greatest thing that I could
dedicate my whole life to. I was on the Church of God International tape list and after a few
months I had boxes of sermon tapes by GTA. I used to listen to him for
hours every day. I'm not kidding. I am a janitor and I can listen to my
walkman all day if I want. I listened to GTA everyday at work. I could
hear up to 5 or 6 tapes during my shift. It didn't stop there. I
listened to him at home, cutting the lawn, washing the car, diving
around, while I was shopping at the grocery store. All I listened to or
read was the Bible, world news and Armstrong. I had allowed Armstrong to
pretty much take up residence in my mind.
During this time I started to
really become depressed. Without realizing what I was doing or why I was
doing it, I started to self medicate with alcohol and different
prescription drugs.
I met GTA on two occasions and
spoke to him on the phone. We corresponded through the mail. I wasn't a
member of the GTA cult because the [Canadian] group of the CGI met
downtown and that was too far for me to go every Saturday.
My wife hated my drinking and
she knew I was in trouble. Also, she couldn't stand GTA. One morning she
handed me a newspaper and she didn't say a thing. She knew how much I
respected GTA and she knew that I would be hurt by the news article in
front of me. She didn't gloat. The story that was highlighted was about
GTA and a masseuse in Tyler, Texas and a lawsuit. I could not, would not,
believe that GTA did the deeds that he was being accused of. But one
very sad day in my life, I watched one of these trashy, daytime news
type talk shows and they played the Video that the masseuse from Tyler
had secretly taken of GTA. I tell you, as I sat there in my TV room,
watching this tape of GTA doing his perverted acts and going after a
woman who was not his wife, I broke down and cried. I felt like an
absolute fool. Everything spun out of control for me mentally and
spiritually. I started getting myself drunk every day until I hit bottom
one night--Halloween night to be exact--and I verbally abused my wife of
ten years and my two precious daughters, ages two and 6 months at the
time (what a hero). I was in a drunken rage and had become everything I
hated and never wanted to be. All I could hear coming out of my mouth
that night was my own dad. Only I was worst than my dad--I was a
drunk!
The morning after that terrible
incident, I blacked out and couldn't remember the entire evening before.
My wife gave it to me with both barrels and I haven't told anyone this,
not even my wife, but after finding out what I had the night before to
the people that I loved the most, if my wife had called the marriage
off, I had already decided to kill myself. I asked my wife "if she
wanted me to leave for the sake of the kids" and if she had said
yes, I was completely resigned to the fact that I had decided to kill
myself. It took me about 15 minutes to figure out how I was going to
commit suicide. But when I asked my loving wife if she wanted me to
leave she said something that I will never forget--ever. She said,
"The girls and I love you." That was the turning point
for me. I went to get help for my drinking and drug abuse and I started
getting good Christian counseling. I joined an addiction support group
called Living Clear and was properly diagnosed with clinical depression.
I finally started getting the help that I needed and slowly I started to
feel comfortable in my own skin. I also started the process of opening
old wounds and painful issues from my past and learned why I was the way
I was. There was a lot of pain and tons of anger during this time but it
was all for my own good and mental health. The recovery process had
started.
That was four years ago. I'm
still in recovery. I am still de-programming the "parent
tapes" in my mind and I am still learning how to walk with Jesus
Christ everyday. He has been there my whole life--knocking and waiting
and praying for me. He was with me when I totaled my car and was
arrested for drunken driving. He saved my life that night. Jesus
has always been there just waiting for me to say "Yes" to Him
and His loving guidance.
I still can't get my brain
around what motivates people like GTA and his Dad (Herbert W. Armstrong). They can't believe in
God and do the things they do. They can't believe anything that they
preach or write. They can't believe in God.1
I see my psychiatrist every
month, I still take medications everyday. My brain doesn't produce
enough serotonin for me to function properly. Maybe I did some damage to
my body chemistry with all of the drug abuse, I don't know. I started a
more natural healthy diet and life style. I use herbs to ease my moods
and to help me sleep. I also am trying to eat more raw veggies and
trying to stay away from foods that are harmful (alcohol, caffeine,
refined sugars, etc.). I feel that the Lord is urging me to take better
care of my earthly temple and that holiness does include taking care of
the body. I'm believing God
for total health and spiritual healing. Recently, God has used ESN in
that healing process. Don't ever forget the fact that there are former
members in the ESN who are making a positive
difference in the lives of a lot of hurting people.
I've read so many testimonies and personal letters from brethren in
recovery and their words have really helped me. Others have been open
and honest and vulnerable with me, so that I could begin to be honest
and open with myself. That's recovery.
That's my journey in a
nutshell. Sorry this story is so long. It feels good to tell you about
it and think how far I've come, by the Grace of God. I don't drink, my
wife and I are tighter than ever and I'm a better father to my girls
because of my experiences. The memories of my childhood don't have a
sting anymore.
Thank you for caring about me
and thank you for praying for me. May God bless you with HIS
peace.
Your Brother in Christ,
By Robert (first name used with
permission)
April 8, 2002
*Garner Ted Armstrong died of pneumonia at age 73 in a Tyler, Texas hospital on September 15, 2003
A Note to Robert from ESN: One of the most traumatic things is when we find out that we have been deceived and betrayed in the
most evil
way possible. It tears our soul into a thousand pieces. Anyone can be
influenced by thought reform methods, but it doesn't help us feel
any better when we find out the truth. I am so glad that you found our
website and I am so glad that you didn't die. Your life is
very
precious to your family and to your Savior who loves you very much. One of the wonderful things is that you
are receiving good Christian counseling and that
you have the support of those who love you. Your
story and the mighty hand of a loving God in your life is absolutely amazing. I
know it will be an inspiration for others who are feeling depressed
and worthless. Thankfully we have found the One who loves us with an
everlasting love.
"Come
unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn for me; for I am meek and lowly
in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light." ~ Matthew 11:28-30
Footnote from ESN:
1 A number of mind
controlling cult leaders have
the profile of a sociopath. Also see
Questioning Herbert W. Armstrong
(was he who he said he was?)
Articles on
Garner Ted Armstrong (covers his
immorality)
Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused
Prayers
for Freedom From Spiritual Strongholds (very
effective in gaining liberation from many strongholds and oppressions due to
involvement in any harmful cult or occult practices; includes moral issues)
Back to Stories & Testimonies by
Former Members of WCG and Offshoots
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