I had many health problems. There's hardly been much time since I was a teenager that I have not had terrible health problems. I had to submit to men, even to dates back then. I had to train to become a dedicated wife and homemaker, when there wasn't a domesticated bone in my body!! I was told many times, "You've got to suffer to build character!!" And believe me, I suffered terribly! We'd had a series of sermons on the book of Job, and we were told that we'd all go through Job-like trials anyway and that we should pray for trials. I believed that I had to obey the minister (or go to the lake of fire!) so I prayed for trials. I was sick so much and so fatigued that I had trouble holding down jobs. Many times I didn't have enough money to eat decently. I would feel so guilty and people would get on my case and tell me I needed to discipline myself and try harder. I was super disciplined! I drove myself to get up at five AM to get an hour of prayer and an hour of Bible Study (Armstrong Literature) and get to work, when I'd just gotten to sleep not too many hours before. I'd always had terrible insomnia! I'd often force myself to move while my body was screaming at me to stop and rest.

I married a man who was afraid of marriage. He'd given me plenty of reason to let me know he didn't know how to love anybody. But we were getting older (I was 29, he was 31) and I had fears of staying alone. The minister at the time said I shouldn't put pressure on him, but that I needed to have him around and because of our special situation, we should just live together but not tell anyone. So that's what we did! We finally went through with the marriage, but I knew it was a mistake the second night of our marriage! I wanted to run away! But now I had to submit. We bought a house in a town I never liked because we had to hurry and get a place NOW! They put an auto body shop behind it and the fumes would burn my throat and nose and lungs and brain. I felt sick there and begged to move. "We're not moving till the Kingdom!" I begged for 16 and a half years! The water in that place gave me a rash and burned my skin. It tasted like some chemical. I later found out that that land had been a dumping ground. Many of my neighbors were also sick. I began to wake up in the morning incoherent and my husband had to feed me to "resurrect" me, as he joked. 

We adopted a baby boy and I couldn't really care for him. We had somebody help us for a year. Then our son, age two, had to scrounge around the kitchen looking for something to eat, and sometimes he'd bring something back to the bed for me to eat. I was too wiped to shop or fix anything for us. At age 3 he would often be outside by himself and the other kids would chase him and hit him. Then I felt a little better for a little while and I thought I would be okay. But then when my son was five, I began having seizures and going into comas and temporary paralysis. After many trips to doctors, (in the 80's) I finally found one who correctly diagnosed me as having Environmental Illness, or Multiple Chemical Sensitivities. A blood test showed I'd been chemically poisoned, with benzene, trichlorethylene, hexane, mercury, lead, sulphur, etc. My son was poisoned with benzene. The doctor told my husband he had to move us out of there because that place was killing us. My husband just stood there and got harder and refused to move us! Every time I tried to go to the ministry to help
me, they just supported my husband and told me to submit. They didn't want to hear me badmouthing my husband. 

So many times I was super tempted to leave that place and my husband, who never made love to me. But I had to submit and I was afraid that if I left him and became "rebellious" by doing that, that I would lose God's protection and probably have an accident along the way! Besides, I had no place to go. I had become so super dependent and had lost who I was that I couldn't even think to make decisions for myself anymore. And by that time I also had toxic brain syndrome. My doctor told me I could live in a bubble the rest of my life because my immune system was shot and I was allergic to EVERYTHING! I was a universal reactor! I was allergic to every food except egg white! I had to be surrounded with air cleaners and was on 6 tanks of oxygen a week! I couldn't go to church for 6 and a half years. Every time I tried to go, I'd have a seizure. At first a bunch of ladies from the church came to the house to take care of my son and me. But after a little while one of the ladies thought I was just taking advantage of everyone and having them do my work for me that she went to the minister and he told all the ladies to leave me alone and give me tough love!

I tried to go to a YES camp one weekend, thinking I could attend services since it was outdoors. I'd been doing a little better. But sure enough, I had a seizure! The minister was visibly upset with me for interrupting the Bible study by having the audacity to have a seizure!! Even though I was outside the door of the barn where the Bible study was, some people could see me and it was distracting to them. He ignored me and walked right by me and didn't even ask how I was. Most of the people there treated me the same way. I became extremely suicidal and had to beg God to not let me run the car into a lake! I could hardly control myself! A counselor lady came to my house and asked me what was wrong with my calling a real estate agent about moving. It had never occurred to me that I could do anything without my husband leading me to it. I'd been so brainwashed it never occurred to me that I could do anything for myself at all. I'd driven myself for years to serve others even when I was so sick. I had directed a choir rehearsal the morning I'd had that first seizure. Many times I would pray that I wouldn't faint in front of all those people! So I called the real estate lady and the minister said finally to my husband, "If this place is making your wife sick, maybe you should move." So we finally did. That minister finally apologized to me for the rotten way he had treated me. He'd thought I was just putting on to get attention! How can a person get attention by being so isolated! I had to have a sign on my door that no one could come in who had used regular soap or detergent or shampoo or, especially, perfume. I got so bitter and felt so rejected by the ministry and most of the people of the church, that I could hardly stand to read the Plain Truth or other literature of the Worldwide Church of God! I was mad at God, but I prayed that He would heal me and restore a music education to me. 

We finally moved in 1995 to a house with better air. I'd been through so many IV's and special diets and had a cook who was a Christian. She came back to my bed one day and laid her hands on me and prayed for me in a way I'd never heard before, speaking with such authority in her voice! I felt the power of God go through my body and I got out of bed and was amazed at how much better I felt and that I wasn't fatigued anymore! Then I went to [a Christian inpatient clinic] because I'd been so suicidal and waking up in a rage everyday. I went with my oxygen and thought I couldn't be in any rooms with anyone else, but the chaplain told me God was going to heal me and that was the last I had to be concerned with oxygen! I was able to go to all the classes and groups with everyone. I was there 13 days. We had a class on "What is our God Concept?" on how we see God. My concept was all wrong, but that class was the beginning of changing that. We had another on "toxic faith." We had classes on anger management and dysfunction, etc. and we had Bible studies and devotions daily. I shared some of my songs with some people and they liked them. People were so encouraging to me that I began to feel like a person and not just a dreg that was just enduring until the Kingdom came! Like I could actually live NOW! I went home and got my driver's license back and went to Boston for a four-day convention on Christian recovery. My husband said I couldn't do that by myself, but I did! The freedom of being away from him and beginning to feel like I might actually be able to do or accomplish something myself was great, after 30 plus years in the cult!!

Part of what gave me the freedom to leave WCG began with Mr. Tkach's letters that we didn't have to keep the Sabbath anymore and that we were not the only true church and that there were Christians out there in other churches. That lie of WCG being the only true church was a big part of what kept me there for so many years. I nearly divorced my husband 3 years ago, but we went through MMI, Marriage Ministries International. And there he received Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, and that has made a very MAJOR difference in him. He has repented of, and apologized to me, for the many hurts he had done to me and how cold-hearted he had been before. He is becoming sweeter and we pray and read God's word together. We have been in much counseling and in many of the wonderful classes our current church has been offering. We are still unlearning the controlling and deceptive lies we'd believed for too many years. I have gone back to school and taken some music courses and am now taking a course in orchestral composition online. I even got to conduct the orchestra at Worcester Polytechnic Institute once. 

It is still difficult on me trying to pick up the pieces of my life. But life has improved a great deal for me. I still have some health problems but nothing like I had before. I have had to put everything on Jesus Christ, my source of peace, and wash my mind with His Word everyday. I feel like the best part of my life is straight in front of me, because God, the REAL God, the LOVING Father God, has good plans for me, to prosper me and do me good and not harm; He has given me much deliverance through the REAL Jesus Christ, the Savior and Deliverer and Rescuer and Healer. Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil as 1 John 3:8 says. He is destroying the works of the devil in me and my family. I have also gotten back together with my mother and sister and brother. My dad died and I didn't even know it at the time. My mother and sister are now saved but my brother has been bitter, although not as bad as before. I have forgiven Armstrong and the whole WCG bunch because God has helped me. I could not do that on my own. I'm just so encouraged that I do have the rest of my life now and for all eternity. I have hope and victory in Jesus Christ! Our lives have changed greatly--for the better! Praise and thanks be to God!

By Gloria
August 13, 2003
 

Articles For Those Who Were Emotionally and Spiritually Abused

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