I remember the first time I sat in a Christian Sunday school class after I left WCG. The elderly lady next to me wanted to know what church I had previously been in. When I told her it was the "Worldwide Church of God," her eyes widened and she said, "Oh my!" That was the only conversation she had with me that day. Another time in this class, I remember asking another lady if she'd like to know what kinds of songs we sang in the WCG. I was hoping to help her see that we weren't really such "freaks" after all by telling her they were songs taken from the Psalms. In a somewhat hesitant tone, she said to me, "Do I dare ask?"

I don't think very many ever found it in themselves to believe that my experience was anything more than weirdness. Others acted like they had to walk on eggshells with me.

Many times mainstream Christians assume that those from a cult are "weaker and less intelligent," which isn't true. For example, I was invited by an Associate Pastor to what I thought would be a class that was composed of those who exited a cult and that would cover the emotional trauma. Imagine my surprise (and disappointment) when I found out that it was a class for those that were "new Christians" who didn't know much about the Bible. There were only about seven people in there and one man didn't even know where the books of the Bible were (he was a former Roman Catholic). At least I felt pretty smart in there. When our teacher went around and asked us what church we had come from, I answered, "A dangerous religious group" and that went over just fine.  

I felt like I was dealing with a whole different group of people in society when I attempted to go to a true Christian church because of the isolation and exclusivity that Herbert Armstrong ingrained into us. One of the ways his cult did this was through the theme of "unity" and "family." Some exiters may remember the brochure that members received with the list of all the ministers worldwide (pictures included for the top ones) that was entitled, "The Family Album." There is a picture of Joseph W. Tkach Sr. standing behind the podium with arms and hands outstretched. The whole booklet can now make me think, "How ugly and sick this whole organization was (and is) to make us believe such a hideous lie!" To understand the depth of such betrayal, and the extent of the corruption, is overwhelming.

After the humiliation of WCG, I tried to find a place for myself at this large non-denominational church (where no one had to become a member but you were automatically considered one if you came long enough). One of the first things I decided to do was volunteer for the "Courtesy Committee." This involved greeting people as they came into class. After all, I was used to being friendly and shaking hands with those in the WCG and I thought this would be similar. Well, it was very unrealistic to expect the same "fellowship and joy" that WCG provided, as not everyone from this church would always look at the greeter and give a big smile as they walked in. They weren't WCG robots, mind-controlled to always show a "good attitude." One Sunday the thing that really took the cake was when the Sunday school teacher himself walked in with a scowly look on his face and I barely got him to say hi! Come to find out he was coping with a terminally ill wife at home. But what an awakening to realize that the Bible teacher himself could let his real emotions show and wasn't programmed to smile at all times.

As time went on, I became acquainted with a dear elderly man from this Sunday school class who was dying with a terminal illness. My husband and I visited him at home once while he lay in bed (he was always so friendly and outgoing to all who stopped by). This particular day the rest of the family took some time to chat with us and some others in another room, and it happened to come up that they asked what church we had previously been in. Without thinking, we spoke the taboo words, "The Worldwide Church of God." Nothing much was said about it as we discussed some of our experience, trying to make everything sound matter-of-fact, until one of the daughters said she was "against religion" and "had no use for churches."

Later when this elderly man was placed in a hospice, I continued visiting him and he really appreciated my coming to see him. I asked him if he wanted me to read to him from the Bible and he said, "yes." When he asked me to pray for him, it was a big step for me, as I had never prayed for anyone outloud before (that was something WCG never encouraged unless one was on the roster to give sermons or sermonettes or had attended AC). I was glad no one walked in and listened to me in case I didn't "do it right." One time this daughter strolled in when I was finishing up reading to him from the Bible. She never said anything, but eyed me suspiciously from across the room. This man didn't know I had been in a cult, but I think if he had of, he never would have judged me as others did, but would have been as kind and caring as always. 

One Sunday afternoon my husband and I went to the house of someone from this class because we were supposed to have a surprise birthday party for someone. A lady who was a friend of this elderly man's family approached me with "a message" from the dying man's family and suggested that we go to the basement to talk. I couldn't figure out why we had to go to the basement, but I think she decided that she had to handle this situation with me discreetly. Her message to me of how "the family" didn't want me reading the Bible to him anymore and that "they would do it" totally traumatized me and made me feel I was not a part of "their body of believers." It was absolutely beyond her comprehend how I felt. I couldn't believe it when she lady finally told me "the Lord led me to tell you this."  As we went back up the stairs to leave, I told her, "You are not real Christians and I am not coming back to this church!"

It took me days to get over the intruding thoughts of this traumatic experience. A day later, however, I decided to phone the hospice to see if it was true what the wife had relayed through her friend--that the dying man was "blind now" and couldn't see who came to visit anyway and that he was "too weak to receive any visitors," plus a sign to that effect had been "placed on his door" and it was best that I "don't visit him" anymore. Well the hospice told me that he wasn't blind and he had all kinds of visitors! So here were lies on top of everything else!

To add to the pain I realized I had left my dish at this house when I left hurriedly that day. So I called the people where it was at, couldn't reach them, and had to leave a message. About a week later they returned a quick phone call to say that we could come pick the dish up on such and such night, but that they probably "wouldn't be there," so they would leave it on "on the front porch." I felt that they were trying to avoid me lest they have any further "problems" with me.

All the time that I was in the hospice reading to this man I had never once seen any of his family come in and read to him. I had previously asked this man wife if she ever read the Bible to him, and she told me, "No, he has his Bible tapes and he's getting tired of them and we're going to send them back." I also was there when they had a hospice minister come in and pray and read to him (which the family thought was "so nice"). I also heard about another church family that came to him to play musical instruments and it was supposed to have been "wonderful." I think that since I was "from a cult" I was somehow a threat, because they didn't know what "cult teaching" I might be placing into this dying man's mind!

About a week lady I wrote the lady that had "delivered the message," explaining to her about the feelings one experiences when coming from a cult and my letter was so nice and even apologetic (leftover from the WCG mind-set?). I received a brief note card back from her saying that she was glad to hear I might return because "this Sunday school class has been such a blessing." My counselor said that what he noticed with her note was that there was "no accountability for anything on her part." I didn't go back to this Sunday school class or the church services for weeks. When my husband and I did finally go back, this lady came up and showed an interest in me for the first time ever. A few weeks later I got word that this dear man passed away. But my husband and I stopped going for months before I quit permanently. It is hard to explain the many bricks of pain that were building up inside of me from everything that had happened with these Christians who had never been educated on how someone feels that has exited a spiritually abusive and deceptive group, and how to reach out to them.

I came to the place where I was sick of organized religion and knew I had to leave this church. I felt so free when I left. As expected, a lady phoned me later, expressing how loneliness and freedom "from Satan's attacks" could only be solved by "coming to class." My husband and I had noticed that this class was revolving more and more around the teacher, plus it seemed to be so much a group thing, and I was sick of groups. I came to feel like I was being put into a certain box that was stamped "evangelical church--stay in it!" This church experience ended up being more than I could handle. For a long, long time afterwards I couldn't even bare to look at any other churches that we would drive past. That's what trauma can do to one.

Before I left this church completely, we went one time to a small independent Baptist church on Mother's Day with about fifty people meeting in a rented building. They were new, small, friendly and had a minister that surprisingly did a beautiful solo singing (I think he could have sold his own music). But after the sermon, he asked if anyone wanted to come forward, kneel down and confess their sins to God that they had committed "during the week." Everyone sat still and no one moved. I was so glad that no one came forward. I believe that confessing our sins should be between us and God, and not others. 

For a long time, I could feel deep hurt whenever I would remember what I had experienced. At the time, I think that it greatly hindered my recovery and took something away from my individuality and made me feel that I had to conform to how other Christians are thinking and doing. After I left this church, I felt like I lost a part of myself that I had and I wasn't sure for a long time who I was or what I was really like.  

A few years later I decided to attend another Christian church that had evening services. I slipped in not too long before it started and sat in the back. Gone were the days when I actually wanted people to come up and introduce themselves and shake my hand. I thought I would be barely noticed. Then the minister said everyone could introduce themselves to the others. Some were getting up, walking around, shaking hands, smiling, talking, and I didn't feel comfortable with it and hoped no one would ask too many questions. I didn't attend services anywhere else for several years after that. It caused me to not feel good for a long time afterwards. It's not that there was anything wrong with the services (a missionary spoke) or the music (it was traditional). It was just that I felt I couldn't handle any kind of pull to get me to attend services every week, or join in with their activities.

Later my husband and I attended a few "gospel hymn-sings" that would come around yearly and where churches from all over were invited--usually at a certain Assembly of God church in the evening. It wasn't until the last one we attended that somehow it didn't feel right. I was picking up how ecumenical the whole thing was becoming and how there didn't seem to be much emphasis on mentioning the gospel, or focusing on Jesus Christ at all. It seemed that they wanted everyone to have "a good time." 

I believe that these church experience served a purpose for me. It probably was what I needed at the time, but it wasn't where I was to stay. Jesus works with each of us in an individual way and knows what we are going through. We don't need a church experience to have fellowship with Him, and we don't need a building full of church members in order to "make it." He is able to bring other true Christians into our life at the time we need it and in the way we need it. 

I would caution any WCG exiter against jumping immediately into another church and thinking it will be just like the WCG fellowship. Upsetting incidences can trigger abusive situations that happened in the WCG. If you are unable to attend a Christian church--for any reason--don't feel guilty about it, because you are not alone. You are not out of fellowship with God, you are not a sinner, and you are not "headed for hell." He will never disown you or forsake you, as He is faithful to His own. The Holy Spirit will teach you and guide you as you read the Word of God and stay close to Him in prayer. The important thing to remember is that our relationship and our peace is with a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, not with a church, and only He can fulfill our deepest needs.

By Karina

Read Katrina's other story: Some Results of Attending a "Bona-Fide" Christian Church
 

Are Exiters "Out of Fellowship With God" if They Don't Attend a Church? 

Thru the Bible Radio Network with J. Vernon McGee
McGee lived from 1904-1988. His down-to-earth, expository messages reveal Christ as the centerpiece of Scripture and give a true understanding of grace and our position in Christ. He goes through the entire Word of God in 5 years (M-F), alternating between the O.T. and N.T. Presently in the book of Ephesians. The 5 year schedule is posted on our site.

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