The first thing that impressed me was the sheer size of the church. Over 1500 people attended every Sunday morning. The building was spacious and beautiful--nothing like anything we ever experienced in the WCG. The realization of seeing how money handled responsibly could benefit the local members hit me. All those years, all those members in the WCG who faithfully paid their "tithes" so that HWA could live in utter luxury while we spent every Saturday in broken down, ugly, musty old buildings.

I had feelings of excitement and dread at the same time. It was exciting to finally be able to make my own personal decisions, and yet, it was scary. We were told all those years how "wicked" anything outside the WCG was, and now I was venturing through that world.

I knew that the Assemblies of God1 churches were considered to be "moderately" Pentecostal. I also knew they believed in speaking in tongues, so I tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for what I would see and experience while there.

So many triggers went off that day. Everything from the contemporary Christian music band on stage, people holding up and waving their arms, to passing the offering plate, and just seeing the senior pastor's wife wearing lots of makeup was a bit overwhelming for me. I got up and went to the nursery with my baby. From then on, I used the baby as an excuse to leave services when any of my "hot buttons" were pushed. I knew I wasn't ready to go into another church, but I felt that I was forced to in order to sever our ties completely with the WCG. My husband was going to services on the Sabbath, and I was going on Sunday. It was out of sheer desperation to find something to fill the void so that I could pull him out of the WCG that pushed me in this direction.

I brought my husband and kids to the AOG church for one or two services, but he didn't like it because he felt it was "too large" and that the building was "too nice." He was not impressed by the way people made a mad stampede to their cars after services. He felt this church had "too much money" because the building was "too nice." He failed to realize that the WCG HQ was beyond nice--it was over extravagant--and that there was a large difference in the way HWA used the members' money (for himself), and the way the AOG used their money (for the local members).

A few of the others in our group had attended the Assemblies of God church and had a bad experience. During services, a lady sitting behind them had stood up and started speaking in tongues and reached over and put her hands on them. My girlfriend couldn't deal with it and had gotten up and left because she was so upset. She grew up in the WCG and all her life she was told that "people who spoke in tongues were demon possessed." It was more than she could handle and she never returned.

I attended this church one more time. I had met the senior pastor and he seemed to be very nice, but he had done something that completely turned me off. The group of us that had exited together had met about once a week. We were reading books about grace, so that we could learn more about our Lord Jesus. Only two families out of that group continued to go to his AOG church regularly. The pastor had approached them and said, "The Holy Spirit told me that you need to stop meeting with the others" (meaning those of us who exited the WCG with them), so they called all of us and informed us that we would no longer be meeting together. That made me angry! If the Holy Spirit wanted us to stop meeting, then why didn't the Holy Spirit tell me instead of that pastor?? I was upset that these families allowed this man to dictate their lives to them. I felt it was no better than being in the WCG, even though this church was considered "mainstream." I vowed that I would not belong to a church that would not let me think for myself. I desperately wanted a personal relationship with Jesus and I was not going to let any man stand between us ever again.

The next church I went to was a Methodist2 church. It was pretty dead compared to the Assemblies of God church! They sang from their hymnals, chanted back their doxology responses, passed the plate, and I don't recall much beyond that, except what I perceived as a "lack of joy." I remember thinking, "These people have had Jesus the whole time. Why aren't they more joyful? Don't they understand what they have?" I felt that I had been freed from a concentration camp, and I was experiencing "culture shock." I had "freedom to think," only I had no experience how to think for myself again.

Afterwards, they were having a soup and salad lunch and they invited me to come along. I sat at a table and answered questions the others had about me. They seemed mildly interested in my situation, but aloof. It was obvious that they didn't want to get too involved. So I scratched that one off my list. I needed healing and I knew instinctively that I wasn't going to find it here. I didn't even bother bringing my husband to this one.

The next church I walked into was a Bethel Baptist church. By this time, I was getting used to the "contemporary Christian" praise/worship format. But I knew I could not be comfortable in certain Baptist churches because they were very much a "save everyone from hell fire and brimstone" church. I had talked to the pastor afterwards and gave him a little bit of my personal history. He gave me some interesting advice. He said, "Do you know how a banker can tell counterfeit money from real money? They handle the real money all day long, so when a counterfeit shows up, they can spot it immediately. And so it is with religious truth. If you spend time learning and handling true doctrines, you will be able to spot the false teachers and false doctrine immediately." He was also very much into the "secret rapture," and I was not feeling comfortable at the time as he was discussing it. We were told in the WCG that there was no such thing as the rapture of the church, and I felt he was ignorant for not knowing that little tidbit of information! I was still holding on to the many pet doctrines of the WCG, and it would be a long time before I could shed many of them. I brought my husband here, but he didn't feel comfortable enough to want to continue going.

The next church we went to was called Cornerstone Christian Church (CCC). It was supposedly some type of non-denominational church, but definitely in the Charismatic category. There were over 5,000 people that met there every Sunday. My husband and kids went with me this time (he had finally left the WCG), but as soon as we walked in, I had a bad feeling. The stage was huge and elevated and there were men walking around in butterscotch colored jackets with walkie-talkies. It reminded me of "Security" at the Feast of Tabernacles. I took my baby out of this area and went looking for a nursery. Much to my surprise, the nursery was all the way in the back of the building--a nice little jaunt. It reminded me of the FOT and how we had to walk a long way to get to the Mother's Room. Once I got there, I was surprised to discover that I wasn't allowed in to sit down and nurse my baby! The nursery workers told me to go out into the hall and do it! There were benches approximately every ten feet lined down the hallway, and I sat down and started to nurse my baby. I noticed another woman was sitting at another bench doing the same thing. To make matters worse, an elderly man walked over to her and started talking to her. He was some kind of church elder. He then shifted his attention to me and came over to where I was. It was so uncomfortable to be nursing and needing privacy and this man either was oblivious to what I was doing, or some kind of pervert! I stopped nursing my baby and got up and went back to services. By this time, services had started. The sound system was blasting so loudly that it crackled horribly. The music was frenzied and people were jumping up and down (old ladies, too), and waving their arms into the air. Then a man dressed up like a patriotic cowboy came on stage and started yelling "Praise Jesus!" in the microphone (as if he needed to yell into an already blasting sound system!), and prancing all over the stage. Everything was so overstated--their whole purpose was to get people emotionally worked up, and it bothered me tremendously. Then the pastor came out and started plugging some type of ladies' program that "Sister Cheryl" was going to put on. It turned out that "Sister Cheryl" was his wife, and that annoyed me. He couldn't say, "My wife, Cheryl, is leading the program." I felt like the whole thing was so fake--all "blow and show" and no substance. I finally had enough and told my husband that I was leaving. I couldn't stand it anymore.

The next church we visited was a large Evangelical Baptist church. There were about 1500 members, and it was a very conservative Baptist church. We only went to this one twice, but did not feel comfortable. I think the sheer size of the church made it hard to get to know anyone and by this time, we were craving some type of friendship. I know I wasn't ready to adopt Baptist doctrine as well.

Another ex-WCG family invited us to a Berean church. It was nice and clean, and not too flashy like the CCC. They did not "pass the plate" at this church, but put "offering boxes" in the back of the church for the members to discretely drop their money in. It seemed nice at first--the pastor was welcoming and he already knew about our history because of the other family. We stayed here for a year or so, but I really wasn't very happy here either. I felt that people avoided me because they all knew about "that large group that left the cult." I don't think I ever made a friend while I was there. One day, one of the members said to me, "You Worldwiders put the rest of us to shame. You love to hang around and fellowship and are always the last ones to leave." I had never realized that before. Since we were cut off from family and friends in the WCG, and told to "stick around and fellowship" (what else could we do that day?), it had become a habit just to "hang around." After that, I kept trying to push my husband out the door right after services. He couldn't understand why I was always in a hurry to go, but I felt I needed to cut the strings off that identified me as a Worldwider.

After awhile, I couldn't stand to sit and listen to services anymore. I think I began to notice that the pastor was legalistic and his sermons began to bother me. I began volunteering to work in the nursery so I could hide out. The more isolated I became, the more unhappy I became. When we were approached for membership, we were given a folder full of "requirements" that would be expected of us (both financially and time-wise). I knew I would never be a member of this church. I had fought too hard for my freedom, and I was not going to give it up so easily ever again.

I think the final straw came when I went to a ladies' seminar that was open to all churches in the area. I remember seeing several of the Berean members there and not one of them spoke to me. It really hurt and I felt so alone. I remember sitting there, choking back the tears, and telling the Lord that I had had enough. I was trying hard to follow Him by leaving the WCG and all I could find was loneliness and pain. That's when one of the dearest ladies sat down next to me. She was there alone as well and we began to talk. Her name was Kathy, and we hit it off right away. She had told me all about her church, which wasn't too far from our home. We agreed to meet the next day and spend the day together at the seminar. She was so open and friendly and non-judgmental. When I found out that she was going to sing a solo at her church, I asked if we could come and see her. That was the beginning of a special friendship that helped our family back on the road to healing.

We went to my friend's church and fell in love with it. It was non-denominational and small (only 250 members), and not the least bit legalistic, and yet it wasn't overly charismatic either. It was conservative, but very open. The people here were "real." The building was nice, simple, and clean--not flashy and overstated. It was easy to get to know people, but we weren't "love-bombed" by them either. The sermons were balanced, and revolved around Jesus and His love for us.

This is when I began to realize that in spite of the pain I had suffered, it finally did pay off. My family had finally found a place where we could begin to heal. I know many pastors discourage "church hopping" but I feel that our circumstances are special and they don't fully understand what we've gone through.

What have I learned? Don't settle for the first church you walk into--they are all so very, very different. Legalistic churches are a dime a dozen, but there are others that are grace-based. Believe me, these are rare, but are well worth it if you find one.

I promise you that no matter what church you walk into, you will experience
flashbacks or triggers. I remember singing "Glorious Things of Thee are Spoken" and all I could think of, of course, was JWT and how it was his favorite song, which lead to more thoughts and before I knew it, I was oblivious to anything said in the sermon that day. Other songs like the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I would sing loudly from memory only to sing the wrong words (the WCG changed some of the words) and I would get highly embarrassed. It was even more embarrassing that I didn't know songs that most of the members knew by heart (but I could sing any Dwight Armstrong songs by heart!).

I remember how I hated it when they "passed the plate" during services--it seemed so cheap and beggarly to me. That took years to overcome. I had to realize how the WCG made me feel self-righteous by tithing. We knew deep in our hearts that we couldn't keep the Law perfectly, but we knew if we kept tithing immaculately, God would somehow overlook all our faults and really see and believe that we were sincere. In other words, we were buying His approval. I remember doing something really strange when we first exited the WCG. We were so afraid that God would curse us for keeping our tithes, that we had a paranoid fear about it. So I called up a local church and asked if they needed anything. They said they needed new chairs for their children's nursery. I went out and bought all of them. I didn't want to give them the tithe money because I didn't trust that they would use it properly, so I bought the chairs for them. The amount equaled our monthly tithe. They were happy to get the chairs, but they were also puzzled as to why someone, who didn't attend their church, would do such a thing. This took me a long time to get over. Now I find joy in giving to charities of my choice, and we also give to our church regularly, but we don't "tithe" or call it that.

We are now members of a healthy, independent Baptist church. The pastor is young, but has also been through a cult experience with a "militant right-wing purist" movement, so he understands how easily it is to fall into legalistic ideologies. He is very grace-oriented and extends that grace to every church member. He knows I have issues to work through, and we have agreed to disagree on the non-issues (i. e., tithing). I've had to spend time trying to figure out "why should I go to church?" I am a very social person, and I miss having connections with others and developing friendships. A healthy church is a great place for meeting Christians and having opportunities to help others in the church and in the local community.

If I had to do it over again, I probably would not have rushed into another "church situation" right after exiting the WCG. I think a person needs time to heal from the pain of separation, the pain of losing "friends," and the pain of feeling "stupid for being duped" all those years. It was very hard to have all those feelings to deal with, and then to add feelings of insecurity and anxiety that comes with going to a new church. I had to overcome so much of self-righteous, judgmental attitudes that I had learned while in the WCG before I could make progress. I had to question everything I was taught, look at all the differing viewpoints, and then make up my mind as to what I felt was true.

Spend time talking to the Lord and tell him all your feelings. And when the right time comes, (and it may take years), you may feel you are ready to try a new church, and you will be a stronger person. When I look out into our congregation I know one thing: I will never be duped again.

By Kelly Marshall

Read Kelly's second story: Former Members Can’t Be Pushed Into Churches

Footnotes by ESN:

1 More info on the AOG churches can be found in the article: The Assemblies of God, Roman Catholic Church and World Council of Churches Together. Also: Some Reflections on the Pentecostal/Charismatic Movements (includes their history and distinctive views, including tongues speaking) [offsite links]

2 The largest U. S. Methodist group is the United Methodist Church (modernistic, liberal and ecumenical). Read: Methodist Church [offsite link]

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