If You Have a Loved One in a
Deceptive, Exploitive Group
If you have a loved one that has been ensnared in a deceptive group, you are undoubtedly feeling confusion, anger, worry, guilt, shame, helplessness and much pain. You feel you don't even know your loved one anymore and that it's impossible to reach them rationally. You may be questioning why this has happened and you may be desperate to know what you can do and how you can help.
Unfortunately, innocent people are often recruited into high demand groups during a vulnerable time in their lives and come under the group's mind control (or psychological manipulation). These groups offer "black and white" answers to life and they prey on people's fears. They have, most likely, become a religious addict.
Let's first try to understand exactly what has happened.
Loyalty and Love Transferred to the Group:
As a result of the group's use of sophisticated mind control techniques, a pseudo-identity or personality is formed that suppresses your loved one's authentic self and causes them to surrender control. Their loyalty and love for family and God are transferred to the group and group leader and they become very dependent on the group. Due to the group's deceptive methods, and the darkness of spiritual deception, they strongly believe that they are obeying God and His "government," when in reality they are only obeying the leader. They won't admit that this has happened, because in their minds they believe they have found "God's one true Church" with revelations given to "God's Elijah," "God's Prophet," "God's Apostle," etc.
How Did Herbert W. Armstrong Recruit People? (the step-by-step process)
We Must Understand How Controlled People in PCG Are (written by ex-PCG member but applicable to those in any of the totalistic Herbert Armstrong groups)
No Critical Thinking Allowed:
The group allows no criticism, doubt, or critical thinking and thought-stopping techniques are utilized by the member to keep such from occurring. If you try to engage them in a discussion about the group, they will repeat everything the leader has told them via sermons, tapes, booklets, literature or videos, because their critical thinking processes have been shut down and cannot reason intellectually. They have been deceived by the group's leader to believe that they are "the elect" and the outside world does not understand "God's Truth." As a result, they are instructed to keep all their literature and tapes a secret from non-members, even going so far as to hide them from unconverted mates.
Information Control:
Another reason it is hard to get your loved one to listen is because of the group's "information control." He/she has been taught not to think. They look upon all literature and information that is critical or informative of their group as lies or slander. To them it is "Satan trying to get hold of my mind" or "Satan persecuting God's true church." Therefore, they refuse to look at any of it or listen to anyone who was previously in the belief system unless their mind begins to open and they have questions or doubts.
Altering of Scripture and/or its Application:
Deception is possible when a person doesn't understand that the leader has altered Scripture or its application. For instance, members will be expected to tithe a 1st tithe, 2nd tithe, and in most cases a 3rd tithe every 3rd and 6th year. They will also be commanded to keep the 7th day Sabbath from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset for salvation. Much guilt and shame will be used for those who would question this.
These rulings aid the leader in keeping the member as a source of income.
Support Received From the Group:
It is also important to realize that your loved one will be getting support, sympathy and "love" from the ministers and group members every time they attend services. They will tell the member that they are going through this "trial" with you because of knowing "the truth." The more you try to convince them otherwise, the stronger they become in believing they are right and you are merely being "used of Satan." Realize your loved one was a target and the leader has deceived and exploited them without their informed consent.
Deceptive groups will do everything possible to create division in order to retain the member. If your loved one has just started reading the group's literature, or listening to the radio or TV program, or even if they have questions, you have a better chance to help them understand the true motives of the group. If they are already a member, or attending on a regular basis, their critical thinking skills have been shut down.
What to Do:
Educate yourself as much as possible, not only on the group, but on cults, mind control and abusive churches. See our Booklist along with articles on Understanding Mind Control and Exploitive Groups.
- Pray for wisdom before every encounter.
- Remember that it is always easier to approach them while they are in conflict.
- Stay calm, patient and respectful.
- Built rapport and trust.
- Be an active listener.
- Have a curious, yet concerned attitude.
- Demonstrate unconditional love (real love is stronger than the group's love).
- Help the member get in touch with his authentic self (before he was recruited).
- Periodically bring up prior, fond personal or family memories (this re-stimulates memory).
- Find out if they have unanswered questions about their group.
- Understand how they will reinterpret certain scriptures.
- Try to get them engaged with you in researching the group objectively.
- Plant seeds of doubt.
- Learn to awaken the member to the control of the group over their life.
- Keep in personal contact with the member (cards, letters, phone calls, photos, etc.).
- Know why you believe what you do (be able to share your own personal assurance of salvation if asked).
- Help them to know that God will deal with them individually and directly; encourage them to pray themselves and study their Bible themselves.
- Pray that the spiritual strongholds will be broken and that their eyes will be opened to the deception they are under.
- Seek out others who understand cults and/or spiritually abusive churches and who will pray with you and support you.
- Welcome the family member back into your home if they leave the group.
What Not to Do:
- Don't tell them they are in a "cult" or are being "mind-controlled."
- Don't refer to their ministers as "cult leaders" or "false prophets," etc.
- Don't suggest that the members of the group aren't Christians.
- Don't say anything critical of the group or leader.
- Don't argue the Bible or act judgmental.
- Don't push them into a defensive corner.
- Don't become angry and/or emotional.
- Don't underestimate the control that the group has over them.
- Don't blame yourself.
- Don't neglect the rest of your family or your own health.
- Don't send money, as it is usually turned over to the group.
- Don't have joint checking/savings accounts if at all possible.
So much fear has been implanted into members by the literature and sermons that they can become paranoid or phobic if they feel they might lose the Holy Spirit, be cast into the Lake of Fire, or go through the Great Tribulation, by leaving the group or being disfellowshipped. Members are convinced that they have "proved" everything they have come to believe and want to do whatever it takes to "obey God" as they see it. If you are negative, argue or try to prove your case, or become emotional and overreact, they will see you as being "against God" and you quickly become the "enemy." They also believe that if anyone criticizes the founder of their group it is the same as criticizing Jesus Christ.
Also read: How do I help a friend or loved one leave? (Q&A)
If They Are Not Yet a Member:
If your loved one has not yet become a member, but is wanting to, you could ask him/her calmly how it is possible for them to "prove all things" according to Scripture if they are unwilling to examine all the evidence available to them from all sources? You could also ask them if a false religion would try to convince people not to examine what ex members might have to say?
Don't ask too many questions at once, or force them to do what you want. Your goal is to try to get them to think so they can make an informed decision.
Here are a few positive testimonies out of many:
I Was Thinking of Becoming a PCG Member
I Almost Became a Member of Restored Church of God!
I Noticed There Was Something Wrong With the Living Church of God
Spared From Living Church of God After Finding ESN Site
Conclusion:
If you find you are becoming involved to the point where all of this is causing more depression, anxiety, and anger in your life; increased turmoil and ill health in the family, and/or causing you to seek revenge, then it is time to let go of it. In these circumstances you may have to make the decision to distance yourself (at least for now) from those in the group in order to gain peace in your own life. This means to make each day count with the people you love and who are who are not involved with any of these exploitive organizations. It is important to spend time and energy with those who appreciate you.
Although it is very discouraging and depressing to have a loved one in these groups, there is always hope no matter how long they have been involved. You are engaging in a strong spiritual battle and it could take time for their mind to be set free from the deception. It should be encouraging to know that there are former members today who are free of these controlling groups for the simple reason that someone continued praying and interceding for them and exercising love and patience.
By D. M. Williams
Exit & Support Network™
August 23, 2000
Last updated December 28, 2011
The following letters to ESN pertain to having a loved one inside these groups:
Keep Lines of Communication Open With Those Wanting to Cut Off
Loved Ones Finally Out of PCG! (encourages others to not to give up hope)
I See a Lot of Hope For My Whole Family
God's Timing for Our Loved Ones
Links:
Questions About Members (includes "How do I help a friend or loved one leave?")
Opening the Closed Mind (directed at Jehovah's Witnesses, but contains questions that can help any member of deceptive groups to think) [offsite link]
Recommended Book:
Releasing the Bonds (Empowering People to Think For Themselves)